Saving Jane

"Raise your hand if you don't care
What those platinum girls wear
Raise your hand if you're just here
To have a good time

Raise your hand if your lipstick
Doesn't make you a dumb chick
Raise your hand if the shape of your hips
Don't compare to the shape of your mind

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a barbie doll, shopping mall, silicone substitution
I thought I told ya I'm a soldier
And I ain't leaving till the battle's over
One girl revolution

Raise your hand if you're smart, girls
More than push-ups and pearls
Let them stare at our pictures baby
While we take over the world

Raise your hand if you're not another carbon copy
Wanna be like everybody else
Raise up your hand if you've got something more to say

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion
I thought I told ya I'm a soldier
And I ain't leaving till the party's over
One girl revolution

What are we selling, our brains or our belly buttons
What are you buying, don't you know that they're lying
What are you crying about, don't just sit there
And wait while they're selling us out

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not the girl next door anymore, baby I'm an institution
I thought I told ya don't wanna know ya
Pack your bags baby cause this army's taking over
I'm here to start a one girl revolution

(I'm the kind of chick that leaves you cryin for your mother
Keep on looking if you're looking for a cookie cutter)

I'm here to start a revolution"

Saving Jane isn't like some of the other bands or artists I've talked about in my blog -- I only ever heard one song from them, and it was on the radio.  The song I did hear, though, I EFFING LOVED!  I was kind of disappointed to not have heard anything after that.  Sometimes when I hear one song I love on the radio, I'll go out and buy the CD and follow the band or artist regardless of whether they ever get picked up by the mainstream.  I think that in this case, though, the song wasn't representative of the band's overall mission statement.  I don't think they were actually a feminist band with a female empowering agenda, and the rest of their music didn't have anything else that appealed to me on any other front either.  So I loved the song while it was around, then let them fade away.  Like...Joydrop.  Although I must admit, I didn't really do much investigating into Joydrop -- for all I know, I might have loved everything they ever did besides Beautiful and I might have shortchanged myself by NOT buying the CD.  That's a topic for another day, though.

Yesterday I failed.  I didn't work out as I had promised myself that I would.  It was about a thousand degrees outside all day though!  I stayed outside in the yard while my son played in the kiddie pool and didn't come in to do anything except eat or use the bathroom.  We don't have air conditioning and I was sweating without even DOING anything, can you imagine what shredding would have done to me???  I would have died!  At least I prefer to think so, that way I don't feel as guilty for skipping out. 

I did take a long bike ride downtown for Blues on the Mall, though.  It's a weekly outdoor music event in the summer where all kinds of people gather together to listen to music, chill, socialize, buy food, and other random things.  It's popular with bikers and my son loves watching all the motorcycles.  He doesn't even know it as "Blues on the Mall", he just calls it "motorcycles".  So H, his son, and myself rode our bikes and my son rode in the cart that goes behind H's bike.  When we got there, I ran into some old friends and some people we camped at Peace Fest with last year, so we sat on the grass with them.  They had brought hula hoops so I had fun trying that out.  When did I get so uncoordinated?  I remember hula hooping for hours when I was a kid, it was SO not a big deal.  Last night I just kept dropping the damn thing, and it was so HARD, I felt like it shouldn't be so hard.  The other girls were just rocking their hoops all slow and easy at a relaxed pace and I was frantically gyrating at a frenzied pace, sweating and panting, always on the verge of dropping the stupid hoop.  Clearly I need more practice. 

We had a good time, though.  I think it was the first time we'd been able to be civil with one another since the first serious talk we had.  It was so nice to just be able to relax and not be angry, to not argue, to act like we don't want to disembowel one another.  The thing is, though, he got it in his head that he's not letting me go.  He just decided that whatever I want, he'll let me have, but he's not leaving because he loves me too much.  If I don't want to have sex, that's fine.  If I want to date women, that's fine too.  He told me that if I told him to leave and put a gun to his head, he probably still wouldn't leave.  Does he think I want a martyr?  Why would I want him to stay in a sexless marriage with a woman who has, or who is pursuing, a relationship with someone else?  Not to mention, how would that be fair to the woman I would eventually date?

I thought before that was what I wanted.  I thought I wanted us to be "roommates" -- for him to date other people, for me to date other people, but to continue to live in the same house until we had a serious enough relationship with someone else that we would want to cohabit with that person.  I keep talking about my son's relationship with my husband and that's the main reason I thought I wanted that arrangement.  I thought it would be perfect.  Last week when H was whining about his sexual frustration, I encouraged him to go get laid.  He was hurt that I would suggest going outside of our marriage, because he was clearly angling for something else, but we all already know my position on that.  However, I do want him to be happy, and I told him so.  I told him I don't want to hold him back in any way, I care about him and just because I can't give him what he needs doesn't mean that he shouldn't have it.  He got extremely upset.  I'm giving him the green light to sleep with whomever he wants, and he's upset about it???  I think what it comes down to, though, is that he realized that I really just don't want an intimate relationship with him.  I think for me to encourage him to look elsewhere probably WAS a little heartbreaking, because if I wanted to stay together, that would have hurt for me to think of him with another woman.  The fact that it doesn't bother me at all bothered him greatly.

Anyway, I got a little off track.  The roommate thing definitely won't work.  I never thought about how it would make the other person feel.  I suppose that WOULD be awkward for a potential love interest of mine or his, wouldn't it?  How would you feel if you started dating someone and found out that they still lived with their ex-wife or ex-husband?  Better yet, SOON TO BE ex-wife or ex-husband?  Wouldn't that be awkward?  I guess it would, but I never considered that.  Luckily, someone pointed that out yesterday.  Anyway, I'm off to make some breakfast.  :D

P!NK

"I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see"

PIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!  I love this girl.  I have loved her since her first CD, for exactly the reasons stated in her lyrics above.  I give a lot of female artists grief for "selling out" by playing their sexuality too much and not relying just on their talent, and I get especially angry when they start out as funky, unique, or different and then seem to conform to society's standard of beauty.  I hate it when a girl changes herself just to be what she thinks other people want her to be, to fit what the majority views as appealing, and I rebelled against those things for so long.  I've decided to look a little less harshly on those women, though, because I found myself doing the same thing.  It's hard not to cave to the pressure of a society that sends the message that you're inferior if you don't have a fake tan, fake blonde hair, fake boobs, fake nails, fakey fakey fakey cookie cutter singular minded standard of beauty.  I went against the grain for so many years -- in the extreme, refusing to wear makeup, shave my legs, or even wear girls' clothes.  I asked myself why I should tan, just because men decided that skin damage was beautiful.  Why I should bleach my hair, just because men decided that putting harsh chemicals in my hair to attain a more preferable color was desirable.  Why should I be what THEY decided I should be?  Why should THEY define MY standard of beauty?  Why should THEY dictate MY look?

Hit the fast forward button, and I've done a complete 180.  I still believe those things, but doesn't every girl want to feel pretty?  Those things SHOULDN'T matter, but they do.  No one wants to be overlooked, and no one likes to feel inferior.  It's that desire for acceptance.  I started doing things that I didn't find attractive just because other people did, because I wanted some attention too!  I couldn't turn anyone around to my way of thinking, I couldn't find anyone who could think for themselves, and I finally decided, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."  I sold out. 

Now that I feel like I'm getting more in touch with my true self, that inner rebellion is getting strong again inside me.  I've spent too much of my life being what other people wanted, being who other people wanted me to be, trying to fit some ideal set forth by everyone but myself.  Fuck that.  I'm reclaiming my identity and I don't give a DAMN who likes it and who doesn't, this is ME, this is MY life, and I'm going to do what makes ME happy!  Everytime I walk out the door with stilettos and a tight little short dress, fake nails, sprayed on fake tan, the whole 9...I look in the mirror and think, "Who the hell is THAT?  That's not me!"  I ended up getting the attention and acceptance I wanted, but for all the wrong reasons.  I wanted people to accept me for who I really was.

Anyway...that turned into a bit of a rant.  :)  Today's workout TOTALLY SUCKED.  I don't know why, I just didn't have much energy or something.  I had to take THREE breaks just to get through it.  Terrible.  I started doing the Slim-Fast High Protein shakes today, I'm going to do those for breakfast and lunch all week and I'm going to work out EVERY DAY this week.  (Monday through Friday).  I am going to weigh myself on Saturday morning, and damn it, I BETTER see a lower number!!! 

Tomorrow is my birthday!!!  I don't think I'm really going to do anything special.  I'm old now, you know!  It's the big 2-9, which is just as sad to me as 30 because every day after tomorrow is one day closer to 30.  This is the last year of my 20's.  Oh, I know, age is just a number.  Getting older is better than the alternative, and I understand that, I just really have a hard time with getting older.  My slowing metabolism, for one.  My hips and shoulders crackling, popping, and snapping when I work out -- when did that start happening?  The fact that it takes me almost 2 days to recover from an all-nighter.  The fact that I have a really hard time even PULLING an all-nighter anymore.  Ugh.  Why couldn't everything stay the same as when I was 17?  My looks, my body, my stamina, my energy...the rest of it could progress, like wisdom and maturity.  I just have a problem with my BODY getting old.  Then again, I guess I don't really get a vote.  *sigh*

Drain STH

"Hope is wearing thin as ice
When my feelings slowly die
Is there anyone there?
Am I all alone?
Through the flesh to the bone
Thorn sticks deep inside me
Can you feel me, I am wrong
Can you see me, I am gone
From the things I have denied
Feel the smell, Feel the smell
From what once was me
I am trapped in myself
Buried in my body
Can you feel me I am wrong
Can you see me so long gone
I am lost, I'm on my own
All my feelings, turned to stone
To stone...
To stone..."

I usually like action pictures, but I found it pretty difficult to capture each of these ladies performing at the same time in one picture.  Posed pictures can be pretty cool too, I guess.  Hey, 1995 called -- they said IT'S OVER.  I'm guilty of living in the 90's BIG TIME, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I get all happy and nostalgic when I hear Ace of Base, The Cranberries, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Gin Blossoms, Counting Crows, Weezer, Bush, Sublime, K's Choice, Melissa Etheridge, even Salt 'N Pepa and TLC.  I could honestly go on for pages here.  Anywho, I present to you now another lost treasure of the 90's -- Drain STH.  These chicks rocked.  I liked Kittie because they were hardcore, but Drain STH had a little bit more of a melodic side to them.  It's hard to explain.  It's like, sometimes I'm in the mood for Slipknot and sometimes I'd rather hear Stone Sour.  (Stone Sour has Corey from Slipknot, yet it's a more melodic version of the same type of sound).  Or old Mudvayne vs. new Mudvayne.

For the record, I mentioned Otep a few entries back.  I was going to give them a listen because I had loved Kittie so much and someone had suggested Otep as a band that would appeal to Kittie fans.  I suppose that may be the case, but it was hard to discern because I wasn't in that kind of a mood.  I don't think Kittie would have floated my boat right now either, I'm feeling pretty relaxed and mellow.  I liked Otep's sound, I just wasn't feeling it at the moment.  I'll have to give it another go at another time.

I have to say, I misjudged Space Girl's reaction.  I probably wouldn't even have told her yet, except I was intoxicated.  You know how things sometimes just come out...  In any case, I felt really embarrassed after I told her, and I was concerned about how that might make her feel.  I mentioned this before, but who was I, still in a state of married heterosexual privilege, to trivialize the whole thing and make light of the life SHE is living by trying to compare myself to her, or to liken my situation to hers in any way?  Which, of course, I wasn't doing at all, but I wasn't sure how she would take it.  I didn't know if she would be insulted or offended, or if she would judge me, or even if she would take me seriously.  To my surprise, she has turned out to be really supportive.  It's really nice to know someone who kind of understands and who is there for you.  Of course, like I told her, I'm trying my best not to obsess over this, and I'm not going to try to abuse her friendship by wearing out my welcome (so to speak).  I don't want to be like one of those girls who just starts a new relationship and always talks about it, or asks for advice on "they didn't call for 2.5 hours, what do you think that means, should I wear this on our date, should I do this or that, she did this or that what does it mean, we did this together we're doing this together someday we're going to do this and that and blah blah blah blah..."  In fact, I even wrote a blog entry on Facebook about how one of our other friends realized she was gay, and I hung out with her and that's all SHE talked about.  I guess I can understand a little better now, though.  It really consumes your life.  I'm trying not to let that happen, but damn!  This is huge!  I get it now.

There is one thing I'm a little nervous about, though.  I have full custody of my son, and he is pretty hard to handle.  Because of that fact, I don't really have a babysitter.  My sister in law is the only one that can handle him, and she works a lot.  Well, my husband can, but when we're not together anymore, that won't matter.  What I worry about is trying to date again.  How am I going to get any free time? 

On one hand, T will be in kindergarten in the fall, so I'll have a little bit of time when I'm not in class during the day.  Also, his dad said he's filing a motion and trying to get supervised visitation.  I have no problem with supervised visitation, as a matter of fact, I requested that in the motion I already filed but let him waste his money and file another one.  The judge just hasn't entered the order yet.  The goal of supervised visitation is to move toward unsupervised visitation, which I have mixed feelings about.  I don't think having every other weekend to myself is worth the risk of my son getting abused at the hands of his stepmom again, or being placed in the care of registered sex offenders.  How easy is it going to be, though, to find a girl who loves kids so much that she wants to be around my unruly son ALL THE DAMN TIME?  Hell, even I wish I had a break sometimes.  Stupid bad fathers.  :(

Erykah Badu

"I got a little pot in my belly
So now a days my figure ain't so fly
My dress ain't cost nothin' but seven dollars
But I made it fly
And I'll tell ya why"

That just soooooooo fits me today.  My figure ain't so fly these days, but let me tell YOU why -- @!$% birth control!  I don't give a damn about anyone who says it doesn't make you gain weight, I'm here to say it does.  You might wonder why I'm even taking it, since I'm not even having sex with my husband anymore.  It's nice to know when "Aunt Flo" is visiting, you know?  I like to control how long she stays, when she arrives...before the pill, it wasn't unusual for me to get two week visits.  Then she'd show up again a week later.  It was insanity.  Still, I'm very tempted to stop this pill nonsense altogether anyway, because I can NOT lose weight. 

Today was day 15 of the 30 Day Shred -- the halfway point.  I have lost a total of 3 pounds.  I take Topamax as a mood stabilizer because I'm bipolar, and I got back on it at the same time that I got on the pill.  Normally the Topamax makes me drop weight rapidly, until I hit about 120 lbs, without even working out.  This time I am working my ASS off and I am stalled at 132.8!  I am getting SO SICK of seeing that EXACT number every morning on the scale.  Today I pushed myself in my workout.  Each circuit has two sets of each exercise, so I vowed to use the heavier weights during the first set of strength exercises and do the non-modified versions during the first set of the other exercises (like plank squats, plank jacks, double jump ropes, etc).  I did really well, except that I did have to pause a couple of times due to the fact that I was pushing myself so hard.  I didn't have to pause at all yesterday, but I was using the lighter weights and doing the modified versions throughout the whole workout.  I was also breathing SO HARD after the double jump ropes that I had to pause the DVD to catch my breath before moving into plank twists -- it was the only way I could do it.

So, yesterday, I know I sounded kind of...bitchy.  I'm really sensitive, and any time I feel judged or rejected, I get a little defensive.  I take a lot of things personally that aren't even directed at me, that have nothing to do with me, and sometimes it looks like I'm almost trying to find a reason to get offended.  It seems like everywhere I try to fit in in life, people are judgemental for petty reasons.  I really hoped to leave all that behind me in high school, but I'm finding that people with their societal hierarchies, cliques, superiority complexes, and holier-than-thou attitudes exist everywhere, in all walks of life, and at all ages.  It makes me sad because I feel like there's a bigger picture here and we're missing the forest for the trees.  I guess it's because I've always been the outcast and I'm afraid to find myself in a situation where I'm a misfit, even among misfits!  I just want people to judge me for ME and I feel like there are more important things to consider than whether or not I have slept with a man.  I just don't understand how that has anything to do with who I am, and if someone rejects me on that principle alone (in the future, when I'm ready to start dating) they could be missing out on a good person and overlooking something with potential...and for what?  To spare themselves...cooties?  I guess I just don't understand. 

Janis Joplin

"Feelin' good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee..."

I need to keep moving forward, even if it's only a little bit at a time.  I decided that the best way to do that is to make goals, sort of develop a game plan.  The first thing I need to do is get a job.  I'm sure that student loans aren't going to cover everything I'll need to live independently, so I will need a job with a schedule that coordinates well with my class schedule this fall.  I also need to make sure Hubby is hooked up with some mental health resources and that we start going to therapy so he will be better equipped to deal with this transition. 

I thought he was doing well, but he's bipolar and he flipped out on me the other day.  He told me that he hated me, he regretted ever marrying me and every moment we had spent together, he wished he had never met me, and that he was going to find some way to kill himself.  He said if he couldn't be with me, he didn't want to live at all.  Of course I freaked out, but part of me was angry.  I felt manipulated.  I felt like he was trying to impede my progress because he knew that I would feel guilty and stay.  I thought that was very unfair and it made me resent him for doing that to me.  I'm trying to be more compassionate, though.  I have to realize that this is a cry for help, and I can help him without staying around forever.  I can show him that I DO care by helping him access mental health resources that can help him get through this.  I'm sure it's hard for him, but it's hard for me too.  The thing is, I'm not sure if this therapist takes Medicaid, and that's the only insurance we have.  If not, we'll have to go through Network 180.  In any case, therapy is on the list.  I want to be comfortable with his mental state before I leave.

Getting a job is also on the list.  I want to be comfortable with my independence before I leave, also.  (I keep saying before I leave, but this house is in my name.  He'll be the one leaving.)  That makes it that much more important -- I need to make sure I can afford the house payment and the bills by myself.  My job hunt led me to Craigslist, where I found a very interesting personals ad.  (I get sidetracked easily.)

I was looking in the "women for women" personals ads -- no, NOT looking for a date -- and found one that provided some food for thought.  I can't really say it was insulting, because each person has a right to her own opinion.  Or prejudice, as the case may be.  I can place a personal ad that says, "please be white, thanks" and I would be within my rights, but it would be...what?  What is the word I'm looking for?  Narrow-minded?  Judgemental?  Ignorant?  I don't really know.  Anyway, this woman said, "I'm looking for a local lesbian to accompany me to the movies on Tuesday or Thursday.  I will pay for your ticket.  Please have your gold star.  Thanks."

This whole "gold star lesbian" business is a bit juvenile.  It's one thing if you classify yourself as one...although that might imply that you somehow think that you're superior to other lesbians, "more gay", or that you have earned some kind of higher rank or special honor (implying that those who are NOT gold stars are inferior, "less gay", and have somehow sullied their rank with their past sexual behavior).  However, I don't have as much of a problem with how YOU classify yourself...I have a problem when you are using this STUPID "status symbol" as a way to judge and reject others.  My son's father said that he refused to date a woman who had slept with a black man.  That is so irrelevant, and bigoted.  Hmmmm....I'm recognizing a parallel here. 

Oh, you think this is different?  News flash, it's not.  My past has no relevance to NOW.  Why the fuck should it matter to you whether a penis has been inside me?  Are you afraid of cooties?  I understand, the mental picture probably grosses you out.  It wasn't fun for me either, but it's OVER.  I'm not afraid to give you oral because you had your period two weeks ago, or because you had a yeast infection when you were 16.  Guess what?  I've had some pretty disgusting things on various other parts of my body, and I bet you have too.  We've both taken showers since then, this is now, and we're moving forward.  On second thought, I actually LIKE the Gold Star Lesbian thing.

It enables me to separate the judgemental elitists from the people I actually want to spend time with.  To those of you who think you're better because you're a Gold Star and judge those of us who aren't -- you're just as bad as the homophobes of the straight community, and you don't deserve my company.

Jewel

"I've lived on hope
Just like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings
well from now on I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, a stronger woman"

When you think about it that way, it really puts things in perspective.  If my daughter were in my shoes, what would I want her to do?  Why do I not choose for myself what I would want for her?  If I am to teach my children to live happy lives and follow their dreams, shouldn't I lead by example?  Is there, somewhere, a stronger woman in me?

I come up with all these reasons why I CAN'T end this.  I read a quote the other day, though, that really made me think.  We were talking about working out and my cousin said, "If we really want to do something, we'll find reasons.  If we don't, we'll find excuses."  (It was something like that, maybe not exactly)  For example, it took me three years to leave my son's dad, and it was a similar process then.  I would say, "Oh, I can't leave because I don't have any money, I don't have a job, I don't know how to do anything for myself, I don't have a car, and my son needs his dad because he's so young."  But, I was surprised to find out what I was capable of when it really came down to it.  I suspect I still have that inner reserve of strength somewhere, I just need to tap into it somehow.  To stop making excuses and start finding reasons.  Of course, it's harder this time because my husband is a much better person than my son's dad was.  Everyone was happy about me leaving HIM, but this time, I'm not so sure I'll have that support.

Here are my excuses and why they shouldn't stop me.

1.  I don't have a job, and I don't think I can find one.  --  This is true, I have applied for about 20 jobs a month over the last 3 or 4 months, and no one wants to hire me.  The most recent work experience I have is not something I can put on a resume, and I have not worked in an office in 5 years.  Furthermore, I left that office on bad terms, so if I put them on my resume and they are contacted, they would not give me a good reference.  In the fall, I will be going to school full time, so how would I even find time to work also?  Okay, well I could apply for FIP until I get a job, but one of the requirements for cash assistance is that you have to apply for a certain number of jobs per week and if you are offered a job, you can not turn it down.  I will have class on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday during the day and my son will be in kindergarten.  What if I get offered a job with a schedule that conflicts with my class schedule?  Option 2, I could keep applying for jobs and work something out with hubby that we will continue to cohabit until I am successful.  I mean, he will need to save up money before he can just move out anyway, so this arrangement could be mutually beneficial.

2.  My son will suffer.  This may be the case, but I realized something yesterday while I was arguing with my husband.  My son is suffering NOW.  I was being bitchy and moody, he blew up at me for my attitude, I told him I don't want to be with him anyway, he said I probably never DID, and I said I never should have married him...at that point my son started to cry and ran into his room.  I felt horrible, I didn't even realize he was standing there.  I want so badly to protect him, but at the same time, I'm exposing him to all this negativity and discord in our home.  It's like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other -- either way, he's going to be hurt.  Shouldn't it at least be a hurt that will have a foreseeable end instead of an indefinite, prolonged pain?  I don't think there's any way around this one.  I have thought long and hard, but there is no easy way out.  I just need to be as gentle, supportive, and loving to my son throughout this whole process.  Hopefully my husband can still be involved in our lives somehow and will still spend time with him from time to time.  I don't know how that will go over if he starts a new relationship, but this whole thing isn't my son's fault and he is really close to my husband. 

3.  My family will be disappointed.  This was the reason that made me go through with my first marriage, even though I didn't want to.  This was the reason that kept me there for 3 years, even though I was unhappy.  When I finally left my husband, I was shocked to discover that my family was much more supportive and understanding than I had expected.  I thought that I was letting them down, but they completely encouraged me to pursue my own happiness.  They are still friends with my ex-husband, but they stand behind me and my decision 100%.  I'm a little more nervous this time because this is my second failed marriage, but they are my family.  In the end, I think they will be there no matter what, even if they don't agree with my decisions. 

Looking at all these reasons and knowing that I can overcome them, I still don't know if I really WILL.  I still can't picture myself ALONE.  It's so scary, and things are so easy right now.  Except they're not, and I'm kidding myself if I think they'll get any better.  I have run from relationship to relationship all my life, existing to be someone's "other half" for so long, that I don't know how to be myself.  I don't even know who I am, and I'm kind of scared to be all alone with this person -- me -- that I don't even know.  Doing everything for myself, thinking for myself, doing what I want, going where I want, when I have been so used to letting everyone else make the decisions and I just follow along.  How will I even KNOW what I want?  I've never really thought about that before. 

The longest period of time that I was alone was after I left my son's dad, and even then, we were still hooking up here and there, talking on the phone, spending time together, and he'd tease me with the possibility that we might get back together.  In fact, the last time I had a romantic conversation with him was Christmas night that year, he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me and that he was going to come spend the weekend with me.  I met my husband just one month later.  However, from the time I left my son's dad in March and started the on-again-off-again thing until October when he got another girl pregnant, until December when I realized he wasn't leaving her for me, until January when I met someone new...that time was the most intensely painful that I have ever experienced, and I WASN'T EVEN IN LOVE WITH HIM.  I hated that guy, he abused me, he criticized me, he cheated on me, he stole from me, he was an alcoholic...if I had such a hard time leaving HIM, just WHAT is going to happen when I leave a good husband?  I was suicidal after I left my son's dad.  I don't want to go back down that road.  But, is it fair to use my husband as a crutch, just because I can't be alone?  Nope.

DJ Gina Turner

I just met her in person at DEMF.  She was spinning at an afterparty at The Works called, "I Love You but I've Chosen Techno".  She was AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!  I had to stop dancing a few times just to stare at her up there, she was just getting it DONE.  I had a really good time, but it ended pretty horribly.  I left early and...well, let me start from the beginning.

So, my husband and I have been fighting a lot, and talking about divorce, and there has been a general air of unhappiness in my marital home.  I had decided on divorce and hadn't quite worked up to telling him those exact words yet, but I had two serious talks leading up to it that had been meant to lead up to the major "I want a divorce" talk.  We had the "I'm gay" talk.  We had the "I'm not happy" talk.  Then, just before the "I want a divorce" talk...I started really looking at things.  My son, mostly.  My family.  Our house.  Our life.  How much he LOVES me, how much he's done for me.  I started thinking about the way things used to be between us and the way I used to feel for him.  I may never have felt that for any other man, but I will never deny that I DID once feel it for him.  If it WAS there, maybe it can BE there again.  Right?  I mean, walking away from all this is so hard, and maybe it's worth working on and trying to find what we lost.  It might not have been perfect, but nothing ever is, right?  Then, right when I changed my mind about divorce, he told me HE wanted a divorce.

Then I told him we should just go to DEMF together, like it was going to be some magic cure.  Last year when I went, I was filled with so much joy and happiness.  I felt like I was at home, at one with myself and the universe, and in tune with everything and everyone.  I was full of inner peace, harmony, enlightenment, and joy...so going to DEMF only compounded that and made it an absolutely beautiful, magical experience.  Silly me, I thought that our relationship could use something beautiful and magical -- but I didn't realize that last year, we hadn't found anything we didn't already have.  This year, I was trying to fill a void.  It didn't work.  I was trying to get back to where we were last year, and I thought by going back to the place we were so happy together and doing the things we did when we were in ;perfect harmony, I could bring it back.

I think I might be too late.  I've fallen out of step with him somehow, and it seems like all I noticed were things that bothered me.  Every time he held me, I felt suffocated.  He would put an arm around me at the festival and it would feel restricting and possessive.  He would grope me or touch me and I would feel like he was mauling me.  Even when he tried to cuddle with me in bed, I just felt like he was invading my space.  I recoiled from his touches, flinched from kisses, shrank in his embrace.  How was I supposed to reconnect with him THAT way?  Everything he did annoyed me.  He was making faces that hated me, I couldn't stand the way he drove, the things he wanted to spend money on, or really ANY decision he wanted to make.  I was at the point that I thought I couldn't wait for him to leave.  But then (and THIS is how messed up I am) when it was time for him to leave, I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving.  I didn't want to be alone with Shy and Vanessa.  They are really nice, but I would have felt so lonely with this happy loving couple, and me all alone.

As a matter of fact, I felt that way even BEFORE my husband left.  I was walking up to all the beautiful women at the festival, complimenting them, flirting, introducing myself, chatting them up, etc.  I noticed many happy lesbian couples, including Shy and Vanessa.  I couldn't help but feel some kind of deep envy for the happiness I was denying myself that they were allowing themselves, I was angry and bitter because all around me I saw what I wanted and next to me I saw what I had chosen instead.  Was it his fault?  Absolutely not.  He is a wonderful man, affectionate and loving, and I'm crying my eyes out as I type this.  He tries so hard and does so much for me, but my inner conflicted self had so many intense feelings going around due to all the overwhelming thoughts I've had lately that my frustration all spilled over onto him.  I projected all of my resentment out onto him and I was just so out of synch that I broke down and I knew I just had to leave.

I think what bothered me the most about the whole festival was the constant oppressive feeling of not belonging.  I didn't really fit in anywhere, which was in stark contrast to the feelings of community, acceptance, and belonging I had felt the previous year.  On one hand, I felt like I didn't fit in my marriage.  I felt like my husband and I were standing on opposite sides of a glass wall and couldn't reach one another.  I felt like an outsider in my own marriage.  At the same time, I came to realize that it is one thing to BE a lesbian married to a man, and quite another to live a lesbian lifestyle.  I might BE gay, but that is NOT the same as living a gay lifestyle.  At one point I did briefly explain to Shy what was going on with Dwight and I, and felt almost embarassed telling her I was gay.  I mean, who was I to tell HER this?  Really?  It felt almost insulting to her, because I am living a married life.  That's when "heterosexual priviledge" really started to make sense.  Not even just priveledge and non-priveledge, but I noticed a distinct separation.  A chasm between communities, and I didn't belong in either one. 

I went in to the booth where they were giving away free cigarettes and I told the guy behind the counter that the girl checking IDs was really hot.  He said, "Oh, family in the house?  Where's your rainbow bracelet?"  I realized that he meant that he was identifying as gay and was asking why I didn't wear a pride bracelet.  I feel like I don't really have a right to, you know?  That seems like kind of a slap in the face to those who are out and proud for some married lesbian to hide behind her husband and flash some rainbow bracelet around at a festival but stay in her marriage and pretty much in the closet for the rest of her life.  I feel like I haven't earned the priveledge of wearing a rainbow, because I still enjoy "heterosexual priveledge".  Besides, what good would that do?  It's not as if I'm on the market or anything.

I left the rental car and my debit card with the girls and told them to just bring it back when they were finished.  I couldn't have fun with my husband, I couldn't have had fun without him.  I am just unhappy, and I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything on the planet that can ever change that.

Courtney Love

"If you want love so unconditional and real you gotta ride
That black horse baby through the depths of hell that I've been follow
Me away
I will be the same
Strongest one to name
Through the valley of life
I'm gonna be the same
Goodnight goodnight goodnight
Ah goodnight
Oh you'll never be the same..."

Yeah, that's right, I did it.  Courtney, for all that she's been demonized, is just a woman -- a woman who has demons, like the rest of us.  A woman who has potential, like the rest of us.  A woman who made choices, like any woman -- any PERSON -- does, every day.  Some of those choices had lasting repercussions.  Some of the paths she chose to venture down led to things like addiction and suffering, but if you believe in karma (and I very much do) I think you'll recognize that she has paid, and perhaps continues to pay, the consequences for the bad choices she made.  At the risk of waxing philosophical for a moment, folks, let us consider for a moment the possibility that hell is not in the afterlife -- it is here on earth.  It is the suffering we inflict on ourselves when we exercise our free will to do things that are harmful to ourselves and others.  See above.  I don't believe she's a bad person.  I don't believe anyone is.  We're like clay that is neither positive nor negative, only neutral, and can be shaped into something positive or negative.  That's just my opinion, though. 

Anyway, the lyrics I chose have significance as well, like they usually do.  I'll explain them momentarily.  First, my Shred report.  :D  Today was day 13.  I took yesterday off because I was very, very sore and I felt entitled to a day of rest.  Besides, I got home from court and immediately started arguing with hubby, so after that was over, I was way too depressed to work out anyway.  Today's workout went even better than yesterday's!  I really pushed myself!  I noticed, though, that my feet are really starting to hurt.  I need to start working out in shoes.  (Yes, I do it barefoot -- after doing yoga for so many years, I've become accustomed to working out barefoot.  30 Day Shred, I'm finding, is way too high-impact for that.)  Tomorrow the plan is to move up to the 5 pound weights and make it through the plank twists.  I'll do that until day 15, then I'll try to do the regular (not modified) versions of some of the exercises.  By day 20, I don't want to be doing any of the modified versions anymore.

Court went really well, my ex didn't have a lawyer and I do.  My ex just thought he could run the show and intimidate everyone, which didn't go over very well at all.  On top of all that, we were there to discuss why I denied him parenting time back in February, and he kept trying to discuss custody.  He kept trying to object to things without a legal basis, then he kept rambling about irrelevant things, and the bailiff had to shush him twice.  I thought he was going to be kicked out of the courtroom on one occasion.  He was disrespectful, obnoxious, and ignorant.  However, that made things even easier for me.  They found in my favor and I was not charged with contempt.  Also, his objection to my ex parte was filed on the 14th day (he had 14 days to object) with the wrong court, so they are not going to give him a hearing.  If he wants to do anything, he has to hire a lawyer and file a motion.  All of that means that I officially have sole custody and will soon be getting child support, FINALLY!

Yesterday I *thought* I finally got my way.  Hubby broke down and totally understood.  I asked him what he wanted, and he said divorce.  Now all of a sudden I'm not sure that's what I want anymore!  Oh my goddess, what the hell is the MATTER with me?  I did tell him that I don't want to have sex with him, but I do love him...I guess I just couldn't stand to see him all broken down like that.  My son doesn't really have a role model and I was thinking about that, too...everyone but myself, I know.  But F!  I HAVE TO GET IN TO THERAPY!!!!!!!!  I have the name of a therapist, I just really need to get on the ball with that.  Why am I changing my mind now that he wants what I thought I wanted him to want?  What the hell is the matter with me???

Meredith Brooks

"I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet"

I tried to find a picture of Meredith looking, well, "bitchy" -- but you'd be surprised at how many pictures of her are more of the "innocent and sweet" variety.  It doesn't matter, I love the lady in any case.  These lyics seemed to particularly fit me today.  Not only because of what I'm going through with my husband, but also on a personal level.  I seem to be a walking contradiction, opposites living in the same body.

I suppose I've probably always been this way, and I AM a Gemini so this realization should come as no surprise.  I suppose I never really thought about myself this much before, but the situation that I now find myself in has proven to be a catalyst for tons of self-reflection.  I think that it's only fair that if I'm going to be brutally honest with my husband, I should be brutally honest with myself as well.  Not everything that I've discovered on this journey of self-discovery has been pretty, let me tell you that.

The first thing that I find utterly confusing is that I seem to be at once utterly consumed with myself yet paradoxically filled with self-loathing.  Does such a thing exist -- a self-loathing narcissist?  A self-centered masochist?  I would suppose, by definition, it could not -- narcissism is defined as excessive self-love, which I don't have.  I am just obsessed with myself.  I can't really call myself a perfectionist, because I'm not a neat freak or anything.  However, I think about that -- the fact that I am NOT a neat freak -- a lot.  I think about my faults all the time, and my mistakes, and go over the stupid things I said, and my body flaws, etc, etc.  You get it -- I'm obsessed with myself in a BAD way -- with trying to be better and emphasis on why I'm not.  Maybe that's why I'm attracted to very confident women -- they have something that I want.  Confidence.  I envy that.

Speaking of envy in relation to attraction, that brings me to another point.  I notice that the feeling I get now when I look at a woman and feel lust toward her is the same feeling that I would get when I would look at a girl in high school and junior high and feel insane jealousy.  I wouldn't allow myself to even entertain the possibility before I was 18 that I could be sexually excited by a girl, but I would look, and stare, and feel this strange feeling...I couldn't tear my eyes away...I would tell myself, I am SO JEALOUS.  She is SO BEAUTIFUL...I WANT...to look like that.  Yeah, that's it.  Except one time, when I was 15 I played spin the bottle with two people -- one girl and one boy.  That was my first time making out with a girl and I loved it.  Her lips were so soft and the vibe was so much more sensual...for some reason, I didn't even feel ashamed.  I'm not sure why not, because that was during my "Jesus Freak" phase.  I must have rationalized it that we were just experimenting, it was "all in fun" and didn't mean anything. 

I just finished doing day 2 of level 2, or day 12 of the 30 Day Shred.  I am so proud of me!!!!  Yesterday I was so disappointed in myself, but I was determined to keep trying.  I am so glad I did!  I did SOOOOOO much better today!  Yes, I had to do the modified versions of some of the moves, like double jump ropes and plank jacks.  I lost my balance a few times during the military presses with leg extensions, and I DEFINITELY had to take a couple of breaks during the HORRIBLE plank twists.  I did not aim for perfection today, only to do better than I did yesterday.  And tomorrow I will try to do better than I did today -- before I know it, I will have level 2 MASTERED.  I will OWN it!  I feel so good today because I made such a big improvement.  Big smiles!  Besides, working out is supposed to be good for your mood, and who couldn't use a few extra endorphins in her life?  I'm on bipolar medication but it doesn't always seem to be that effective.  My mood seems to be very dependent on the weather, which really sucks.  I definitely need to be reevaluated by a psychiatrist to see if I can find a more effective combination of medications that will keep me in balance a little better.  Right now all I'm taking is a mood stabilizer, but it doesn't really seem to stabilize anything at all.  Perhaps I just feel that way because things are especially tumultuous right now, I don't know.

Speaking of medications, I think that what I need to do right now is take a Motrin 800 because my muscles are REALLY sore.  I'm not complaining, though -- I always say that the sore parts of my body are the parts that are getting really sexy.  ;)

Liz Phair

"You've been around enough to know
That if I want to leave, you better let me go"

I don't really have much to say about Liz.  I mean, she's sexy, I love her voice, and I like most of her lyrics.  I started listening to her when I was 22 or 23, as I mentioned in a previous entry.  Her attitude seems pretty cool, but I think I bought the wrong album.  I got her self-titled CD and it was a bit "poppy", and I'm not crazy about pop.  The lyrics weren't as deep as I traditionally go for, although they were lighthearted and even funny.  That's okay, though -- I mean, we don't have to be serious all the time, right?  We don't have to tackle the deep subjects in every song or on every album, and from what I understand, this was not her typical style.  It's okay to experiment as an artist, to deviate from your norm, and to try on different styles.  It's a nice change of pace to go from the politically and emotionally charged songs that are usually occupying my CD player to something like, errrrrrr, HWC.  ;)

Today was my first day of level 2 on the 30 Day Shred.  Never mind what I said about wanting to date Jillian -- I spent the entire 20 minutes spewing obscenities at her today.  I really did a terrible job and I doubt that I got much of a workout, considering that she was about three repetitions into each move before I even figured out how to do them, then I would do a couple of repetitions, realize I needed to learn the modified version, do a couple repetitions, then she would be on to the next move.  Or, I would be halfway through an exercise, realize I was doing it wrong, and have to figure out the right way to do it and jump back in.  It was horrible.  A few times, I just stopped and stared at the television, dumbfounded.  I feel like I need to work out again tonight just to make up for that epic fail.

This coming weekend (Memorial weekend), we are going to DEMF (Detroit Electronic Music Festival) and I am SOOOOO excited.  We are going with Space Girl and her girlfriend.  Last year we went with Space Girl, and she had a bunch of her friends meet up with us while we were there and hubby felt so left out because they were all lesbians.  Wait, I think one of them was straight, I can't remember.  Anyway he thought they were all man haters, but I think the real problem was that he was being really controlling and it was irritating everyone.  We were all trying to leisurely walk around and just enjoy everything, and he was being a bit bossy and trying to decide where everyone should go and when.  Of course, HE never notices when he's being annoying -- instead, he projects it on everyone else.  So, of course, he thinks everyone ELSE was annoying.  *eye roll*

I think it's going to be a lot of fun, but I'm a little nervous.  Last year we only stayed one night, but this year we are staying all three days!  Hubby has to work on Monday, so he's going to get a ride home on Sunday and I'm staying until Tuesday morning with the girls.  I hope I won't be a third wheel, like "in the way" or anything.  I don't think it'll be a problem, they're both really cool girls and I definitely won't mind giving them their privacy if they need it.  Besides, knowing us, we'll probably even make some friends while we're there!  Anyway, what I'm nervous about is all of the stuff hubby and I have been discussing rearing its ugly head.  I want to leave all of that at home and just have a good time.  I don't want to rain on Space Girl and V's parade, and it wouldn't be fair to expose them to our drama.  I just know that people tend to get more open about their feelings and talk about things while "under the influence" and I just hope that he doesn't start anything with me that would interfere with the vibe.  Conversely, though, I hope that the temporary hold on separation negotiations doesn't give him false hope.  I know that is also a very real possibility, and is in no way my intention.  I just want us all to have a good time.

Fiona Apple

"I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can..."

Before I explain why I chose Fiona, and more specifically, this particular song today; allow me to point out something I noticed about her while I was searching for a picture to put in my blog today.  Prior to this blog entry, the females I have chosen have been strong and proud.  The pictures I found when I googled their names were of women standing straight, defiant expressions on their faces, arms in the air, chests out -- you get the picture.  They ranged from Shirley Manson's middle finger to the sweet yet still secure Tori and Ani.  Body language conveys a lot, and I read in each woman that she was comfortable in her own skin, proud to be who she was.

Then today I googled Fiona Apple.  I found pictures of her hunched over, arms crossed over her chest, head down, and always with this questioning look in her eyes.  I can almost interpret that look as if she were speaking aloud -- "Is this okay?  Am I okay?  Am I good enough?  Are you sure?"

She looks like a scared, insecure little girl.  I'm no body language expert by any means, but just by comparing the previous women to this woman, one thing is clear -- she does not have "IT".  And "IT", as I am coming to find out, is confidence.  Look at these poses -- insecure, insecure, insecure.

This is not to say that I have not had an insecure day in MY life, because I certainly have.  I am just remarking on how much more beautiful a woman can be when she is confident, that's all. 

Why did I choose her today?  Because I feel like I have been a bad, bad girl.  It's really happening now, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.  My life is falling apart around me and I'm terrified.  I'm mourning my relationship, even though I know it isn't right for me.  I'm thinking of all the good times we had together and the time we spent as a family and grieving for all the good things that have to end too.  I'm wishing there were some way I could save some of it, even though I know it wouldn't be fair to force my husband to stay in a relationship with someone who only wants to be his best friend.  It would be selfish of me to keep him to myself out of convenience when he deserves to be loved by someone the way he loves me.  If I could make myself love him that way, I would do it in a heartbeat.  My heart is breaking for him, for how sad he is, for how much he's done for me and how much he's put into this relationship and now feels like he's failed and not done enough.  He feels like he isn't good enough, that I don't love him, and it hurts me so much because he's an amazing man and I DO love him...just not in the way he wants me to.  It is so hard for me to let him go because he DOES make me happy, and this IS safe and comfortable and easy, but this isn't where either of us is meant to be.  I wish I hadn't wasted so much of his time.  I wish I had known before!  I am so sad for so many reasons. 

The biggest reason is my son, who loves my husband very much.  First, I stayed in an abusive relationship for too long and my son was two years old before I cut final ties with his dad.  Now he's four and has to lose the main man in his life again, only I believe it will be worse this time because he really looks up to my husband and they spend a lot of time together.  I don't know what to do, I'm just rambling right now so I think I should probably end this entry and return when my thoughts make more sense to me.

Shirley Manson

"You pretend you're high
You pretend you're bored
You pretend you're anything
Just to be adored..."

Hahahaha, YEAH.  Right on.  ;)  I was going to do Gwen Stefani today, but I chose Shirley because those lyrics relate to what I was going to talk about.  A couple of days ago I said something about being the girl who sits on giant snowballs and how I'm sick of trying so hard to be accepted.  I'll explain shortly.

I just finished day ten of the 30 Day Shred!  Go ME!  Level 1 is officially complete, and I must say, I do notice a difference in my body.  The net weight loss of Level 1, however, was not that impressive -- only three pounds.  My mom keeps reminding me that muscle weighs more than fat, and while I know that it's true, my scale does not measure how much muscle I have gained.  Another thing to keep in mind is that my starting weight was 135.  At 5'6", that is within the healthy weight range already, so I shouldn't really have been expecting to lose much.  I WILL say that I am definitely noticing more muscle tone, strength, and endurance.  I noticed something else while exercising that had nothing to do with fitness, and that was that I think my "gaydar" is getting a little better.  Well, that can't be entirely accurate, because it's been picking up chicks that aren't actually gay -- so we'll call it my "wishful thinking radar".  For example, Jillian Michaels.  If she were, and if I were in a position to date anyone, and she were actually interested in me (BAHAHAHAHA -- a girl can DREAM, right???), she would totally be my type!  I mean, yeah, she doesn't have a lot of tattoos.  However, she still definitely qualifies as BAD ASS.  Also...Kat Von D.

Good Goddess!  Anyway, before I get carried away...what?  Was I talking about something?  Oh, right.  Yeah. 

I grew up in one suburban town until I was eight years old, at which point my parents decided that we should move to a rural area.  I started fourth grade at a new school, and it was rather hard on me.  I had been weird and different at my original school, but that was just me, and no one there had ever known me any other way.  I read poetry for show and tell in first grade, I used big words, I carried around books no one else in my class was reading, and I had many quirky habits.  It was all okay, though -- that's just the way I was, and I never thought for a second that I had anything to be ashamed of.  Everything changed when we moved.

All of the girls in my class at my new school would stand in a circle.  I often found myself standing on the outside of this circle, an outcast.  I was quiet and I was shy, so I wasn't sure what I needed to do to befriend the girls and get in the circle.  I resigned myself to being lonely and burying my nose in books, yet I still desired social acceptance and companionship.  Some of these girls were mean and fourth grade was the first time I learned firsthand how petty and bitchy women can be to one another.  All I wanted to do was make friends.  All THEY wanted to do was find a weak link to use for their own amusement, someone desperate for acceptance, someone who would do anything to be liked.  That winter, the bitches were standing in their circle and I approached them.  I had white pants on and they told me that if I wanted to be their friend, I had to sit on this giant snowball nearby for all of recess.  All too eagerly, I said, "Okay!" 

I couldn't figure out why they were all laughing at me.  I did what they wanted, but they were still not being my friends.  I was hurt and confused.  Those girls often did things like that to me, and so have other people throughout my lifetime.  It all comes down to me being too desperate to be accepted and too eager to please other people.  Just when I think I must have made someone happy because I have done exactly as she has requested, many times she is laughing at me and thinking, "Look at this stupid idiot, I can get her to do anything I want."  No one respects a person like that.  The last time it happened, I had made a new friend from an internet message board and we went out for drinks.  A month or so later, the board had a party and she was there chatting with two other women.  I was excited to see her and thought we were friends.  When I came up and said hello, she asked me if I could get her some chips and salsa.  I was happy to do it for her, as I thought that would be the type of thing a friend would do for another friend.  When I brought the chips and salsa back to her table, I overheard her say to one of the other girls, "Did you see how fast she brought that back to the table?" followed by derisive laughter.

I recently posted on askjoanne asking whether or not I would be accepted in the lesbian community while I am still married to a man.  That night, I wondered when I am going to stop worrying about whether other people accept me.  When am I going to stop worrying about my family accepting my choices?  When am I going to stop choosing hairstyles based on what my sister in law will accept?  When will I stop removing piercings based on what my mother accepts?  When will I stop ending relationships because of what my grandparents accept?  The only person who needs to accept me is ME, and anyone who doesn't can fuck off for all I care.  That's my new attitude, because I'm not sitting on any more giant snowballs.

Bif Naked

"2:30 PM I jumped off the welfare wagon
To meet you for lunch
You sit like a Thai princess
Cold and captivating, you divulge your latest secret
So sinister, I can not repeat

I died, eating french fries

In the restaurant on the corner

Where you broke my heart..."

That is NOT the most flattering picture of Bif, but she looks fierce in it.  I first saw Bif Naked on MTV, singing "Moment of Weakness" and was instantly enamored.  She was fiesty, she was beautiful, she had that certain...something.  This chick had it, and I wanted it.  I went and bought her CD immediately and loved it.  Sure, it was a little juvenile -- I can't remember now how old she was when she recorded "I Bificus", but we must remember, I was in high school at the time so I could relate to some of the things she was singing about.  For example, one track was about losing her virginity in the backseat of a car ("My First").  I laughed at the part where she sang, "There, it was there, baby you peed my name in the snow!"  Most of all, though, I liked that this chick was bad ass.  She gave off a vibe that she wouldn't take any shit from anyone, she didn't care what you thought of her, she was different and that was okay.  She was secure in her eccentricities.  She was openly bisexual and I think her attitude was part of what helped me be comfortable with who I was, at least in part.

I looooooooove tattoos.  ;)  I need more!  I have five.  Three of them are fairies because I love fairies, and one is a triple moon because I am pagan.  The triple moon depicts the three phases of the moon (waxing, full, waning) and the three stages of the goddess (maiden, mother, crone).  I like it because it holds significance to me and others who are familiar with goddess spirituality, yet isn't as obvious as a pentacle or something of that nature.  That is not to say that I would be afraid or ashamed to wear a pentacle, because I absolutely wouldn't be -- but I grow weary of educating the misinformed and ignorant all day long.  I wore one around my neck and you would be surprised how many times I had to explain that I am NOT a Satanist, I don't sacrifice animals, I don't even BELIEVE in the devil, or a million other ridiculous things.  I can only imagine that it will be just as bad -- or worse -- when people find out that I'm gay, because I don't plan on hiding THAT fact either. 

So, if I were asked what my "type" is, the above is a great example.  I'm sure there is a proper term, but I'll call her the Bad-Ass Femme.  See Bif Naked.  See Lea from Bad Girls Club Miami (Season 5).  See Papi from The L Word. 

You really can't blame Brandi for becoming obsessed with her, can you?  I mean, DAMN!  Mmmmmmm.  Then, of course, we have Papi, recently introduced (to me) on The L Word.  I have this thing for Latina chicks, too.  Shane doesn't really do much for me, but when Papi came along, I was like....yeah.  ;) 

Anyway, speaking of The L Word, what the HELL is going on with Jenny?  I used to like her, but it seems like with each episode, she becomes progressively more annoying.  There's just this thing about her, I don't know what it is.  Almost an air of superiority -- was that intentional?  Are people supposed to hate her character?  Because I do.  Not hate, deeply dislike.  Anyway, who cares?  It's a show, for crying out loud.  Sheesh.  I guess it hits a little close to home because I identified with her at first.  I don't think, in order to be a writer, that one must act like a total condescending bitch though.  Just my thoughts.  Perhaps her behavior echoes the "newly reformed" attitude in so many walks of life. 

No one is more judgemental, generally speaking, than the newly reformed.  For example, who is the quickest to tout the evils of smoking?  Someone who just quit.  Who is usually the first to bible thump and try to save your soul?  A "born again" Christian.  Many times, those who have recently undergone a radical change in their lives and have "seen the light" feel this overwhelming (and highly annoying) need to enlighten everyone else they encounter.  What they don't realize are two key things.  The first is that your truth is not the universal truth and is not the same truth which everyone will choose to embrace.  It may have helped you, but it might not be right or appropriate for someone else at this time.  They will find their own truth in their own time in their own way.  You found yours when you were ready, you need to allow them to do the same.  The second goes along with that, and it is that no one can change until he or she is ready.  No amount of telling someone to quit smoking, showing her pictures of lung tumors, soaking her cigarettes in perfume (*ahem* DAD) or preaching to her about how many minutes of her life she is sacrificing is going to FORCE her to quit.  She has to want to, and only then can SHE make the decision for HERSELF.

Oh, wow, what a shock -- I went off on a tangent again.  Well, that is all for now!



Poe

"Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a gilded, cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't even heard, for ages
Tell me everything
Someone's gotta hear this
Beautiful thing"

Have you ever heard a song that is so beautiful that that there is no way to convey its beauty by merely typing the lyrics?  You sing it to yourself as you put them on the page, and sadly sigh, because you know that the person reading them will not know the melodious loveliness that you know, and she will be missing out on such an important part of the song.  Did you notice the feminine pronoun?  Hahaha, I failed an English paper that way once.  I did it just to be a brat.

You know how the unknown pronoun is supposed to be he/his/him?  As in, "When someone enters the room, direct him to hang his coat on the rack.  He should then be seated in his assigned seat and wait patiently for class to begin."  Well, I found that extremely sexist!  So, I completed all the sentences with feminine pronouns.  Why not?  If we can assume the unknown is masculine, why can we not assume she is feminine?  So I did.  I failed the paper, but I made a statement.  I doubt that it made much of an impact on my English teacher, but I was spunky, and it was worth it to me nonetheless.  ;)

All roads must eventually lead to Tori, at least here in the land of Serendipity.  As proof of that fact, I have an excerpt here from an article that I stumbled upon while reading Bitch magazine online today.  It was a lovely article in its entirety, but much too long for me to include here.  Of particular interest to me was the following:

"Amos defined her music, from the outset of her career, around feelings of social ostracism and the expression of a complex inner self that had trouble finding acceptance. Little Earthquakes, the solo album that made her name, brimmed with first-person, seemingly autobiographical confessions about rejection, self-doubt, and adolescence. “Every finger in the room is pointing at me,” began its first song; the album’s first single, “Me and a Gun,” was an a cappella recounting of Amos’s own rape. But though it could easily have turned into a paean to self-pity and victimization, Little Earthquakes was also full of defiance, as well as assertions that being true to oneself was its own reward. And then there was the implicit message of the music itself: All of this happened, and I’m still here.

Amos’s music and lyrics were pretty, emotionally expressive, vulnerable: in other words, stereotypically feminine. But they weren’t coy or girlish; they were laced with anger and sadness, and they addressed taboo topics. A song in which a little girl talked to an icicle could turn very quickly into a song about masturbation; a song about a miscarriage could contain lyrics about mermaids. Amos wasn’t connected with a feminist music scene like riot grrrl; she didn’t tour with Lilith Fair or perform at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. But her mouthy, brash style wasn’t easily assimilated outside of feminism, either.

In rock music, there tends to be two types of women granted the stage: tough girls and nice girls. Tough girls—Polly Jean Harvey, Patti Smith—get respect, albeit grudgingly, because they display traits we honor in men: They’re confrontational, direct, balls-out. Nice girls—Dusty Springfield, Sarah McLachlan—are admired for displaying the compliance and sweetness we associate with femininity. Of course, it’s a false dichotomy: No one is purely nice or purely strong. But Amos, who was both achingly, publicly vulnerable and openly defiant, fit most easily into a shadowy third category, feared by performers and lambasted by critics: the hysterical, shrieking female. It had claimed Sinead O’Connor before her, and would claim Fiona Apple after. But her fans loved the combination of public hurt and defiance. The story of the wounded ugly duckling turned rock-star swan spoke to women. It spoke to social outcasts. It spoke to survivors of sexual violence or abuse. And it spoke to LGBT people, especially young gay men, who had particular reason to connect with Amos’s recurring themes of religious repression and sexual shame, and who still constitute a large part of her fan base." (full article here: http://bitchmagazine.org/article/birth-of-the-uncool)

Verrrrrrrrry innnnnnnnnnnnnnteresting.  Hmmmmmmmmmm.  In any case, I love Tori.  Forever and ever, no matter what, and I don't care who knows it.  I never sat down and analyzed why, because if I did that with music, it would take up all my time.  However, if I HAD done that with the music I listened to as a young teenager, I wonder what conclusions I would have arrived at?  What would I have discovered about myself?  I believe that you can tell a lot about a person by the music she listens to.  Sometimes it's scary -- for example, I knew this girl who seemed so sweet and bubbly.  She was a tall blonde, dressed very feminine, and had very girly mannerisms.  One day, I was hanging out with her and she pulled out her laptop.  She asked me if I had ever heard of a particular type of music (I just had to google it a second because I forgot the name of it, but it was called horrorcore) and I said no.  She then proceeded to play this HORRIBLE music with lyrics that would have the potential to induce nightmares.  It was gruesome, horrible, and traumatizing.  I wondered how such a sweet girl could enjoy such awful music.  I wondered what thoughts went through her mind as she listed to those lyrics.  I wondered if she had violent thoughts herself, if she had ever thought of killing someone -- if she was thinking of killing ME, right that instant.  I thought about the band -- did they need therapy?  Had they been abused as children?  Did they torture small animals?  What the FUCK was WRONG with these people??????  (Incidentally, while googling "horrorcore", I found two articles on the first page about horrorcore artists or fans being suspects in multiple murders.  Apparently my uneasiness was not completely unwarranted.)

Ick.  On to another topic!  So, after I came out to my husband, we had a serious conversation.  He asked me a few questions, which I answered honestly.  One of those questions was whether or not I had orgasms during sex with him, and I answered no.  I explained to him that I had never had an orgasm from penetration since the day I lost my virginity at age fifteen, so it would have done me no good to be honest about that because he would have kept trying to find a way to get me off and I already knew that nothing was going to work.  Don't you think that if there was some position, some rhythm, some magic combination, that I would have discovered it by now?  So, having experimented exhaustively and found no route to Orgasm-ville, the kindest solution that I have found is to fake it.  I explained all this to him and he took it much better than I expected him to.  However, last night, after a month of no sex, I gave it up.  Afterwards, he asked the dreaded question.  Why????  I hated to see the dejected expression on his face.  I felt like I had failed him, like it was my fault that I was incapable of orgasm.  That look right there -- THAT is why I fake it.  Guys tell you to be honest, well, I call bullshit.  So I tried to soften the blow by telling him it had felt good, though, even though I didn't get off.  He still wasn't happy.  Well, fuck, what do you WANT from me?????

Ani DiFranco

"I believe that there is more to life
We coulda loved eachother through
But I was afraid of commitment
When it came to you..."

Ani DiFranco.  :)  I have realized, as I've read over my first two blog entries, that I need to SLOW DOWN.  Yes, my mind is racing.  I am thinking about a thousand different things at once and it is difficult to express them all at the same time.  However, it is impossible to go so many directions at one time.  Not to mention, it must be confusing.  I am blogging about this as a way to sort out my thoughts, and it will do no good if I put them down in exactly the same chaotic fashion that they are swirling about in my brain.  I must assign some sort of order to them.  I need to deal with them individually, in a linear fashion.  Perhaps then I won't feel so overwhelmed. 

I have been reading a few other blogs by women in similar situations, and some have spent only a short time discussing their coming out process.  I can tell that I am the type of person who will devote significantly more attention to this part of my life, only because I analyze everything to death.  For example, I went out to dinner with my brother, sister, and all of our cousins last holiday season.  My brother, his wife, my sister, her husband, and I were discussing what to get my mom.  I made some ridiculous comment about how I had bought some gold earrings for myself but they weren't my style and I had never worn them, so I was thinking about giving them to her.  WHY did I say that?  Am I STUPID?  Did I have too much wine?  What must they have thought about me after I said that?  Did they talk about me after dinner?  What would I have said if I heard someone else say such a thing?  Where did that even COME from?  You see -- I am STILL kicking my own ass over that one comment from six months ago.

I have all the time in the world to consider all the whys, hows, whens, whats, and wheres of this situation.  This blog is my therapy, since I don't have a therapist.  However, I am definitely going to be getting one as soon as possible.  In the meantime, though, I am going to look at this one piece at a time.  Leading up to the day I came out to my husband...

My ex-girlfriend had been in this play based on a TV show called "The L Word".  I unfortunately missed her play and had never heard of the show, and later forgot about it.  Then, a few months ago, I was talking about a friend of mine to someone I knew.  I told him that she had been bisexual before, but now that she had a girlfriend, she suddenly identified as a lesbian and all she had seemed to want to talk about the last time I had seen her was "lesbians like to watch these shows, lesbians like to shop at these stores, this is popular in the lesbian community, lesbian this, lesbian that, blah blah blah" and I felt like her sexuality had taken over her personality.  He told me that it reminded him of this show, "The L Word".  More intrigued this time, I made a mental note. 

My husband and I ended up cancelling our cable and getting Netflix Instant through our Xbox, and while I was browsing through television shows, one in particular caught my eye -- "The L Word".  Of course, I HAD to check it out.  YES, it is TOTALLY a soap opera.  I have never been one for soap operas before, but I must admit that I am shamelessly and hopelessly addicted to this show.  So, I was watching it for a few days, and some of the things that some of the characters said made me think, a lot.  At first, I took issue with this scene in the porn shop where Alice (who is bisexual) was there and Dana makes this comment about, "I can't stand you bisexuals.  Make up your mind already." 

At this point, I identified as a bisexual, and I thought, "Yeah, like LESBIANS have a monopoly on monogamy.  Like YOU really have the market cornered on fidelity -- just because you only date women doesn't mean none of you can't 'make up your mind already' WHICH WOMAN to date!"  Not only that, but to be judgemental of a woman because she is bisexual while expecting the straight world to NOT judge YOU for being a lesbian -- what is THAT?  Would you like a straight person to tell you to "Just be straight already?"

Then there was the episode where Jenny's boyfriend pretty much TELLS her, "You're gay."  I had this weird feeling when I watched that, and I started thinking a lot over the next few days.  I even wrote this long journal entry about how, even if bisexuality IS due to indecision, the gay community should be supportive instead of condescending to those who are on that journey of discovery.  As I wrote that, I wondered.  Am I talking about myself?  I wrote about how we do not all emerge from the womb fully self-aware, and sometimes we must experience things and reach a certain point before we realize just who we are.  Maybe, for some, we don't instantly realize or accept that we are gay.  Surely there are others who can relate and sympathize instead of berate and ostracize.  After I wrote this, it was like my inner self was trying to tell me something.  It beat in my mind like a drumbeat, growing in volume and intensity for the next two days.  "AMIGAYAMIGAYAMIGAYAMIGAY?" 

**NOTE -- This is NOT to say that I believe that bisexuality is a stepping stone to homosexuality for everyone.  Regardless of MY experience, I think bisexuality does exist in its own right and deserves far more respect than it gets.  I remember laughing at the "LGBT" -- why the hell do they even put the B in there?  Everyone knows that the "B" does not have a community.  Rejected by the lesbians, rejected by the straight community (except for horny drooling guys hoping for threesomes, oh goody...), the bisexuals could really use more support and acceptance.  You are who you are, why can't you just let them be who they are?  Does it affect you?  Why should it bother you?  You don't have to date them, you know, if you really are convinced that they will "always go back to men".  To be fair, some really do.  I know that, I did that, I wasn't as brave as many in the lesbian community I so admire.  I did it to her, and although she is younger than I am, it took me another five years to get to the point that she already was at when I met her. 

Anyway, it's a lonely world, no matter who you are.  Dividing ourselves over our sexuality is really immature.  I would really like to see the B in LGBT represented more.  That's all for today.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

"Boy, you're just a stupid bitch and girl, you're just a no good dick..."

I have this really strange habit of correcting grammar in songs when I type the lyrics out.  It just looks so WRONG to me that I can't just leave it incorrect, for fear that someone might think I didn't know the way it was supposed to be written or something.  I'm not sure what my issue is, but the lyrics in the title of this entry are actually, "Boy, YOU just a stupid bitch and girl, YOU just a no good dick" but I couldn't bear to see them that way.  They are from Black Tongue, by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  I remember the first time I ever heard the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I was sitting in a coffee shop with my friend and the song "Maps" came on.  She asked me if I had ever heard of them and told me that she thought I would really like them.  She said "Maps" wasn't really a good representation of their sound, and she was absolutely right.  I love discovering great music, especially music that has been recommended to me by friends who are familiar with my tastes.  So, the next time I was in Best Buy, I bought the CD "Fever to Tell".  I.Fell.In.Love.  To this day, there are few things that get to me like that CD, like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  YEAH! 

I went to a formal dance to raise funds for Pagan Pride day that year.  I brought my girlfriend (the one who had a boyfriend when I was married -- the one I fell in love with, the one who broke MY heart -- not the other one.  We shall call her "Earth Girl").  The girl who had introduced me to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs also came with us, as did two of our other friends.  We brought the CD and asked the DJ to play some songs from it, and to our delight, he did!  Of course, no one was dancing except the three of us crazy chicks, but we didn't give a damn.  We had a great time that night.  My girlfriend and I ended up going to an afterparty at another couple's house, and the husband kept touching me, which was making me very nervous.  As he was making our bed downstairs, he explained to us that he and his wife were poly, and she had a boyfriend who lived upstairs. 

I remember thinking of how strange that must be.  Then again, how different was I?  I was married and had a girlfriend -- the only difference was, my husband didn't KNOW.  I guess being poly was the more honest way of living, providing that you truly love both partners.  For me, though, it still wouldn't have been honest.  I was in love with her and not with my husband.  What do you do in a POLY relationship when that happens?  You have two partners and they know about eachother, but you are in love with one and not the other?  You can't always control that, you know.  Believe me, I know.  I loved my husband.  I love my husband now.  I love MANY people, and HAVE loved many people -- but you CAN NOT force yourself to be IN LOVE with someone.  I know that is the typical line -- "I love you but I'm not IN love with you", but really, there IS a difference.  I tried to explain it to my husband and he keeps telling me I don't love him.  I keep telling him that is NOT what I said.  I DO love him.  I told him I wasn't IN love with him.  Then he tells me there is no difference, and there IS!  There absolutely IS!  It makes me so sad that he doesn't understand that.

Oh, yeah, and before I forget again...I forgot to mention Otep yesterday.  I was talking about how I liked certain bands, and had never heard of other ones.  Well, I La-la-LOVED Kittie and I was reading something somewhere by someone who said they were lame (whatev) and that Otep was waaaaaaay better.  Someone else responded that she agreed, BUT if someone liked Kittie, she should check out Otep, because she'd be sure to love them.  Soooooo...another band to add to the list.  I remember Space Girl (the one I am still friends with) saying she loved Otep, and I agreed because I must have thought she meant Type O Negative.  It was only just now that I realized she was talking about something totally different. 

This entry was supposed to be about how I am tired of being the little girl who sits on giant snowballs, and how I am tired of being so worried about whether or not anyone else accepts me.  Apparently it went in a different direction and I'll have to explain that story next time.  Might I mention something quickly, though, about something I saw in The L Word?  Keep in mind, I'm still catching up.

I'm on the episode where Bette's boss tells her she has been married for 25 years and she thinks she's a lesbian.  She asked Bette if it's too late, and Bette, in her soothing, gentle, sweet voice tells her it's never too late.  Of course, I instantly burst into tears.  Okay, give me a break, I'm super hormonal right now.  I'm PMSing, and I'm on new birth control to top it all off.  The part that irritated me, though, was that Alice thinks it's okay to just start dating her?  What?  Okay, she accepted she's gay, whatever, fine.  However...isn't she still married?  It's not her husband's fault that she didn't realize she was a lesbian, is it?  When she asked Bette if she thought Alice liked her, I thought, "What does it matter if she does or not?  You're still married, aren't you?"  I see many women use bisexuality as an excuse to throw morality out the window, and now I am seeing women using the closeted lesbian thing as a reason to cheat on their husbands.  I just think that's wrong.  That is not to say that I haven't been guilty of it, because I think we all know that I have -- and I learned the hard way that it hurts innocent people.  It never ends well for you, for your husband, or for the girl you are dating.  Maybe all three will get hurt, maybe only two of the three, or maybe only one.  You don't know who it will be, though, and you can almost guarantee that everyone won't escape that situation unscathed.  Take my word for it.