Monday, May 30, 2011

DJ Gina Turner

I just met her in person at DEMF.  She was spinning at an afterparty at The Works called, "I Love You but I've Chosen Techno".  She was AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!  I had to stop dancing a few times just to stare at her up there, she was just getting it DONE.  I had a really good time, but it ended pretty horribly.  I left early and...well, let me start from the beginning.

So, my husband and I have been fighting a lot, and talking about divorce, and there has been a general air of unhappiness in my marital home.  I had decided on divorce and hadn't quite worked up to telling him those exact words yet, but I had two serious talks leading up to it that had been meant to lead up to the major "I want a divorce" talk.  We had the "I'm gay" talk.  We had the "I'm not happy" talk.  Then, just before the "I want a divorce" talk...I started really looking at things.  My son, mostly.  My family.  Our house.  Our life.  How much he LOVES me, how much he's done for me.  I started thinking about the way things used to be between us and the way I used to feel for him.  I may never have felt that for any other man, but I will never deny that I DID once feel it for him.  If it WAS there, maybe it can BE there again.  Right?  I mean, walking away from all this is so hard, and maybe it's worth working on and trying to find what we lost.  It might not have been perfect, but nothing ever is, right?  Then, right when I changed my mind about divorce, he told me HE wanted a divorce.

Then I told him we should just go to DEMF together, like it was going to be some magic cure.  Last year when I went, I was filled with so much joy and happiness.  I felt like I was at home, at one with myself and the universe, and in tune with everything and everyone.  I was full of inner peace, harmony, enlightenment, and going to DEMF only compounded that and made it an absolutely beautiful, magical experience.  Silly me, I thought that our relationship could use something beautiful and magical -- but I didn't realize that last year, we hadn't found anything we didn't already have.  This year, I was trying to fill a void.  It didn't work.  I was trying to get back to where we were last year, and I thought by going back to the place we were so happy together and doing the things we did when we were in ;perfect harmony, I could bring it back.

I think I might be too late.  I've fallen out of step with him somehow, and it seems like all I noticed were things that bothered me.  Every time he held me, I felt suffocated.  He would put an arm around me at the festival and it would feel restricting and possessive.  He would grope me or touch me and I would feel like he was mauling me.  Even when he tried to cuddle with me in bed, I just felt like he was invading my space.  I recoiled from his touches, flinched from kisses, shrank in his embrace.  How was I supposed to reconnect with him THAT way?  Everything he did annoyed me.  He was making faces that hated me, I couldn't stand the way he drove, the things he wanted to spend money on, or really ANY decision he wanted to make.  I was at the point that I thought I couldn't wait for him to leave.  But then (and THIS is how messed up I am) when it was time for him to leave, I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving.  I didn't want to be alone with Shy and Vanessa.  They are really nice, but I would have felt so lonely with this happy loving couple, and me all alone.

As a matter of fact, I felt that way even BEFORE my husband left.  I was walking up to all the beautiful women at the festival, complimenting them, flirting, introducing myself, chatting them up, etc.  I noticed many happy lesbian couples, including Shy and Vanessa.  I couldn't help but feel some kind of deep envy for the happiness I was denying myself that they were allowing themselves, I was angry and bitter because all around me I saw what I wanted and next to me I saw what I had chosen instead.  Was it his fault?  Absolutely not.  He is a wonderful man, affectionate and loving, and I'm crying my eyes out as I type this.  He tries so hard and does so much for me, but my inner conflicted self had so many intense feelings going around due to all the overwhelming thoughts I've had lately that my frustration all spilled over onto him.  I projected all of my resentment out onto him and I was just so out of synch that I broke down and I knew I just had to leave.

I think what bothered me the most about the whole festival was the constant oppressive feeling of not belonging.  I didn't really fit in anywhere, which was in stark contrast to the feelings of community, acceptance, and belonging I had felt the previous year.  On one hand, I felt like I didn't fit in my marriage.  I felt like my husband and I were standing on opposite sides of a glass wall and couldn't reach one another.  I felt like an outsider in my own marriage.  At the same time, I came to realize that it is one thing to BE a lesbian married to a man, and quite another to live a lesbian lifestyle.  I might BE gay, but that is NOT the same as living a gay lifestyle.  At one point I did briefly explain to Shy what was going on with Dwight and I, and felt almost embarassed telling her I was gay.  I mean, who was I to tell HER this?  Really?  It felt almost insulting to her, because I am living a married life.  That's when "heterosexual priviledge" really started to make sense.  Not even just priveledge and non-priveledge, but I noticed a distinct separation.  A chasm between communities, and I didn't belong in either one. 

I went in to the booth where they were giving away free cigarettes and I told the guy behind the counter that the girl checking IDs was really hot.  He said, "Oh, family in the house?  Where's your rainbow bracelet?"  I realized that he meant that he was identifying as gay and was asking why I didn't wear a pride bracelet.  I feel like I don't really have a right to, you know?  That seems like kind of a slap in the face to those who are out and proud for some married lesbian to hide behind her husband and flash some rainbow bracelet around at a festival but stay in her marriage and pretty much in the closet for the rest of her life.  I feel like I haven't earned the priveledge of wearing a rainbow, because I still enjoy "heterosexual priveledge".  Besides, what good would that do?  It's not as if I'm on the market or anything.

I left the rental car and my debit card with the girls and told them to just bring it back when they were finished.  I couldn't have fun with my husband, I couldn't have had fun without him.  I am just unhappy, and I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything on the planet that can ever change that.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sitting here reading your words and understanding exactly how you feel. I started figuring my shit out 2 years ago and everyday that my husband and I lived in the same space, I felt exactly like you described. So, I had to leave and I left him and my home.

    2 years later, I'm still struggling with the feelings of not fitting in anywhere - straight or gay world. Of not connecting with anyone. Don't get me wrong, I have a GF but I find myself in a weird place where sometimes I feel like no one understands me or how I feel.

    I've got no advice for you. I'm just listening if you want an ear (or eyes as it where)...