Friday, June 3, 2011

Erykah Badu

"I got a little pot in my belly
So now a days my figure ain't so fly
My dress ain't cost nothin' but seven dollars
But I made it fly
And I'll tell ya why"

That just soooooooo fits me today.  My figure ain't so fly these days, but let me tell YOU why -- @!$% birth control!  I don't give a damn about anyone who says it doesn't make you gain weight, I'm here to say it does.  You might wonder why I'm even taking it, since I'm not even having sex with my husband anymore.  It's nice to know when "Aunt Flo" is visiting, you know?  I like to control how long she stays, when she arrives...before the pill, it wasn't unusual for me to get two week visits.  Then she'd show up again a week later.  It was insanity.  Still, I'm very tempted to stop this pill nonsense altogether anyway, because I can NOT lose weight. 

Today was day 15 of the 30 Day Shred -- the halfway point.  I have lost a total of 3 pounds.  I take Topamax as a mood stabilizer because I'm bipolar, and I got back on it at the same time that I got on the pill.  Normally the Topamax makes me drop weight rapidly, until I hit about 120 lbs, without even working out.  This time I am working my ASS off and I am stalled at 132.8!  I am getting SO SICK of seeing that EXACT number every morning on the scale.  Today I pushed myself in my workout.  Each circuit has two sets of each exercise, so I vowed to use the heavier weights during the first set of strength exercises and do the non-modified versions during the first set of the other exercises (like plank squats, plank jacks, double jump ropes, etc).  I did really well, except that I did have to pause a couple of times due to the fact that I was pushing myself so hard.  I didn't have to pause at all yesterday, but I was using the lighter weights and doing the modified versions throughout the whole workout.  I was also breathing SO HARD after the double jump ropes that I had to pause the DVD to catch my breath before moving into plank twists -- it was the only way I could do it.

So, yesterday, I know I sounded kind of...bitchy.  I'm really sensitive, and any time I feel judged or rejected, I get a little defensive.  I take a lot of things personally that aren't even directed at me, that have nothing to do with me, and sometimes it looks like I'm almost trying to find a reason to get offended.  It seems like everywhere I try to fit in in life, people are judgemental for petty reasons.  I really hoped to leave all that behind me in high school, but I'm finding that people with their societal hierarchies, cliques, superiority complexes, and holier-than-thou attitudes exist everywhere, in all walks of life, and at all ages.  It makes me sad because I feel like there's a bigger picture here and we're missing the forest for the trees.  I guess it's because I've always been the outcast and I'm afraid to find myself in a situation where I'm a misfit, even among misfits!  I just want people to judge me for ME and I feel like there are more important things to consider than whether or not I have slept with a man.  I just don't understand how that has anything to do with who I am, and if someone rejects me on that principle alone (in the future, when I'm ready to start dating) they could be missing out on a good person and overlooking something with potential...and for what?  To spare themselves...cooties?  I guess I just don't understand. 

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