Monday, June 6, 2011


"I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see"

PIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!  I love this girl.  I have loved her since her first CD, for exactly the reasons stated in her lyrics above.  I give a lot of female artists grief for "selling out" by playing their sexuality too much and not relying just on their talent, and I get especially angry when they start out as funky, unique, or different and then seem to conform to society's standard of beauty.  I hate it when a girl changes herself just to be what she thinks other people want her to be, to fit what the majority views as appealing, and I rebelled against those things for so long.  I've decided to look a little less harshly on those women, though, because I found myself doing the same thing.  It's hard not to cave to the pressure of a society that sends the message that you're inferior if you don't have a fake tan, fake blonde hair, fake boobs, fake nails, fakey fakey fakey cookie cutter singular minded standard of beauty.  I went against the grain for so many years -- in the extreme, refusing to wear makeup, shave my legs, or even wear girls' clothes.  I asked myself why I should tan, just because men decided that skin damage was beautiful.  Why I should bleach my hair, just because men decided that putting harsh chemicals in my hair to attain a more preferable color was desirable.  Why should I be what THEY decided I should be?  Why should THEY define MY standard of beauty?  Why should THEY dictate MY look?

Hit the fast forward button, and I've done a complete 180.  I still believe those things, but doesn't every girl want to feel pretty?  Those things SHOULDN'T matter, but they do.  No one wants to be overlooked, and no one likes to feel inferior.  It's that desire for acceptance.  I started doing things that I didn't find attractive just because other people did, because I wanted some attention too!  I couldn't turn anyone around to my way of thinking, I couldn't find anyone who could think for themselves, and I finally decided, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."  I sold out. 

Now that I feel like I'm getting more in touch with my true self, that inner rebellion is getting strong again inside me.  I've spent too much of my life being what other people wanted, being who other people wanted me to be, trying to fit some ideal set forth by everyone but myself.  Fuck that.  I'm reclaiming my identity and I don't give a DAMN who likes it and who doesn't, this is ME, this is MY life, and I'm going to do what makes ME happy!  Everytime I walk out the door with stilettos and a tight little short dress, fake nails, sprayed on fake tan, the whole 9...I look in the mirror and think, "Who the hell is THAT?  That's not me!"  I ended up getting the attention and acceptance I wanted, but for all the wrong reasons.  I wanted people to accept me for who I really was.

Anyway...that turned into a bit of a rant.  :)  Today's workout TOTALLY SUCKED.  I don't know why, I just didn't have much energy or something.  I had to take THREE breaks just to get through it.  Terrible.  I started doing the Slim-Fast High Protein shakes today, I'm going to do those for breakfast and lunch all week and I'm going to work out EVERY DAY this week.  (Monday through Friday).  I am going to weigh myself on Saturday morning, and damn it, I BETTER see a lower number!!! 

Tomorrow is my birthday!!!  I don't think I'm really going to do anything special.  I'm old now, you know!  It's the big 2-9, which is just as sad to me as 30 because every day after tomorrow is one day closer to 30.  This is the last year of my 20's.  Oh, I know, age is just a number.  Getting older is better than the alternative, and I understand that, I just really have a hard time with getting older.  My slowing metabolism, for one.  My hips and shoulders crackling, popping, and snapping when I work out -- when did that start happening?  The fact that it takes me almost 2 days to recover from an all-nighter.  The fact that I have a really hard time even PULLING an all-nighter anymore.  Ugh.  Why couldn't everything stay the same as when I was 17?  My looks, my body, my stamina, my energy...the rest of it could progress, like wisdom and maturity.  I just have a problem with my BODY getting old.  Then again, I guess I don't really get a vote.  *sigh*

1 comment:

  1. Damn straight on every last word!!

    I had that rebellious streak when I was younger too, but as I approached adulthood I sort of let the world beat that out of me. Losing that rebellion, I turned into the person that I don't` even recognize. I look back on the last ten years of my life and think, "Who the hell WAS that person?!" I feel like it was all a dream because everything, all of it, was so unlike me.

    I feel ya on the getting older, too. I'll be 30 this year and I'm kind of freaking out a bit. I think the fact that I'm getting older doesn't bother me. I think what bothers me is that I wasted my entire 20's being someone that I'm just not. I'm sad that I can't get that back, so I'm probably going to grieve a bit when I hit the big 3-0.