"Feelin' good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee..."
I need to keep moving forward, even if it's only a little bit at a time. I decided that the best way to do that is to make goals, sort of develop a game plan. The first thing I need to do is get a job. I'm sure that student loans aren't going to cover everything I'll need to live independently, so I will need a job with a schedule that coordinates well with my class schedule this fall. I also need to make sure Hubby is hooked up with some mental health resources and that we start going to therapy so he will be better equipped to deal with this transition.
I thought he was doing well, but he's bipolar and he flipped out on me the other day. He told me that he hated me, he regretted ever marrying me and every moment we had spent together, he wished he had never met me, and that he was going to find some way to kill himself. He said if he couldn't be with me, he didn't want to live at all. Of course I freaked out, but part of me was angry. I felt manipulated. I felt like he was trying to impede my progress because he knew that I would feel guilty and stay. I thought that was very unfair and it made me resent him for doing that to me. I'm trying to be more compassionate, though. I have to realize that this is a cry for help, and I can help him without staying around forever. I can show him that I DO care by helping him access mental health resources that can help him get through this. I'm sure it's hard for him, but it's hard for me too. The thing is, I'm not sure if this therapist takes Medicaid, and that's the only insurance we have. If not, we'll have to go through Network 180. In any case, therapy is on the list. I want to be comfortable with his mental state before I leave.
Getting a job is also on the list. I want to be comfortable with my independence before I leave, also. (I keep saying before I leave, but this house is in my name. He'll be the one leaving.) That makes it that much more important -- I need to make sure I can afford the house payment and the bills by myself. My job hunt led me to Craigslist, where I found a very interesting personals ad. (I get sidetracked easily.)
I was looking in the "women for women" personals ads -- no, NOT looking for a date -- and found one that provided some food for thought. I can't really say it was insulting, because each person has a right to her own opinion. Or prejudice, as the case may be. I can place a personal ad that says, "please be white, thanks" and I would be within my rights, but it would be...what? What is the word I'm looking for? Narrow-minded? Judgemental? Ignorant? I don't really know. Anyway, this woman said, "I'm looking for a local lesbian to accompany me to the movies on Tuesday or Thursday. I will pay for your ticket. Please have your gold star. Thanks."
This whole "gold star lesbian" business is a bit juvenile. It's one thing if you classify yourself as one...although that might imply that you somehow think that you're superior to other lesbians, "more gay", or that you have earned some kind of higher rank or special honor (implying that those who are NOT gold stars are inferior, "less gay", and have somehow sullied their rank with their past sexual behavior). However, I don't have as much of a problem with how YOU classify yourself...I have a problem when you are using this STUPID "status symbol" as a way to judge and reject others. My son's father said that he refused to date a woman who had slept with a black man. That is so irrelevant, and bigoted. Hmmmm....I'm recognizing a parallel here.
Oh, you think this is different? News flash, it's not. My past has no relevance to NOW. Why the fuck should it matter to you whether a penis has been inside me? Are you afraid of cooties? I understand, the mental picture probably grosses you out. It wasn't fun for me either, but it's OVER. I'm not afraid to give you oral because you had your period two weeks ago, or because you had a yeast infection when you were 16. Guess what? I've had some pretty disgusting things on various other parts of my body, and I bet you have too. We've both taken showers since then, this is now, and we're moving forward. On second thought, I actually LIKE the Gold Star Lesbian thing.
It enables me to separate the judgemental elitists from the people I actually want to spend time with. To those of you who think you're better because you're a Gold Star and judge those of us who aren't -- you're just as bad as the homophobes of the straight community, and you don't deserve my company.