Saving Jane

"Raise your hand if you don't care
What those platinum girls wear
Raise your hand if you're just here
To have a good time

Raise your hand if your lipstick
Doesn't make you a dumb chick
Raise your hand if the shape of your hips
Don't compare to the shape of your mind

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a barbie doll, shopping mall, silicone substitution
I thought I told ya I'm a soldier
And I ain't leaving till the battle's over
One girl revolution

Raise your hand if you're smart, girls
More than push-ups and pearls
Let them stare at our pictures baby
While we take over the world

Raise your hand if you're not another carbon copy
Wanna be like everybody else
Raise up your hand if you've got something more to say

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion
I thought I told ya I'm a soldier
And I ain't leaving till the party's over
One girl revolution

What are we selling, our brains or our belly buttons
What are you buying, don't you know that they're lying
What are you crying about, don't just sit there
And wait while they're selling us out

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not the girl next door anymore, baby I'm an institution
I thought I told ya don't wanna know ya
Pack your bags baby cause this army's taking over
I'm here to start a one girl revolution

(I'm the kind of chick that leaves you cryin for your mother
Keep on looking if you're looking for a cookie cutter)

I'm here to start a revolution"

Saving Jane isn't like some of the other bands or artists I've talked about in my blog -- I only ever heard one song from them, and it was on the radio.  The song I did hear, though, I EFFING LOVED!  I was kind of disappointed to not have heard anything after that.  Sometimes when I hear one song I love on the radio, I'll go out and buy the CD and follow the band or artist regardless of whether they ever get picked up by the mainstream.  I think that in this case, though, the song wasn't representative of the band's overall mission statement.  I don't think they were actually a feminist band with a female empowering agenda, and the rest of their music didn't have anything else that appealed to me on any other front either.  So I loved the song while it was around, then let them fade away.  Like...Joydrop.  Although I must admit, I didn't really do much investigating into Joydrop -- for all I know, I might have loved everything they ever did besides Beautiful and I might have shortchanged myself by NOT buying the CD.  That's a topic for another day, though.

Yesterday I failed.  I didn't work out as I had promised myself that I would.  It was about a thousand degrees outside all day though!  I stayed outside in the yard while my son played in the kiddie pool and didn't come in to do anything except eat or use the bathroom.  We don't have air conditioning and I was sweating without even DOING anything, can you imagine what shredding would have done to me???  I would have died!  At least I prefer to think so, that way I don't feel as guilty for skipping out. 

I did take a long bike ride downtown for Blues on the Mall, though.  It's a weekly outdoor music event in the summer where all kinds of people gather together to listen to music, chill, socialize, buy food, and other random things.  It's popular with bikers and my son loves watching all the motorcycles.  He doesn't even know it as "Blues on the Mall", he just calls it "motorcycles".  So H, his son, and myself rode our bikes and my son rode in the cart that goes behind H's bike.  When we got there, I ran into some old friends and some people we camped at Peace Fest with last year, so we sat on the grass with them.  They had brought hula hoops so I had fun trying that out.  When did I get so uncoordinated?  I remember hula hooping for hours when I was a kid, it was SO not a big deal.  Last night I just kept dropping the damn thing, and it was so HARD, I felt like it shouldn't be so hard.  The other girls were just rocking their hoops all slow and easy at a relaxed pace and I was frantically gyrating at a frenzied pace, sweating and panting, always on the verge of dropping the stupid hoop.  Clearly I need more practice. 

We had a good time, though.  I think it was the first time we'd been able to be civil with one another since the first serious talk we had.  It was so nice to just be able to relax and not be angry, to not argue, to act like we don't want to disembowel one another.  The thing is, though, he got it in his head that he's not letting me go.  He just decided that whatever I want, he'll let me have, but he's not leaving because he loves me too much.  If I don't want to have sex, that's fine.  If I want to date women, that's fine too.  He told me that if I told him to leave and put a gun to his head, he probably still wouldn't leave.  Does he think I want a martyr?  Why would I want him to stay in a sexless marriage with a woman who has, or who is pursuing, a relationship with someone else?  Not to mention, how would that be fair to the woman I would eventually date?

I thought before that was what I wanted.  I thought I wanted us to be "roommates" -- for him to date other people, for me to date other people, but to continue to live in the same house until we had a serious enough relationship with someone else that we would want to cohabit with that person.  I keep talking about my son's relationship with my husband and that's the main reason I thought I wanted that arrangement.  I thought it would be perfect.  Last week when H was whining about his sexual frustration, I encouraged him to go get laid.  He was hurt that I would suggest going outside of our marriage, because he was clearly angling for something else, but we all already know my position on that.  However, I do want him to be happy, and I told him so.  I told him I don't want to hold him back in any way, I care about him and just because I can't give him what he needs doesn't mean that he shouldn't have it.  He got extremely upset.  I'm giving him the green light to sleep with whomever he wants, and he's upset about it???  I think what it comes down to, though, is that he realized that I really just don't want an intimate relationship with him.  I think for me to encourage him to look elsewhere probably WAS a little heartbreaking, because if I wanted to stay together, that would have hurt for me to think of him with another woman.  The fact that it doesn't bother me at all bothered him greatly.

Anyway, I got a little off track.  The roommate thing definitely won't work.  I never thought about how it would make the other person feel.  I suppose that WOULD be awkward for a potential love interest of mine or his, wouldn't it?  How would you feel if you started dating someone and found out that they still lived with their ex-wife or ex-husband?  Better yet, SOON TO BE ex-wife or ex-husband?  Wouldn't that be awkward?  I guess it would, but I never considered that.  Luckily, someone pointed that out yesterday.  Anyway, I'm off to make some breakfast.  :D