"I believe that there is more to life
We coulda loved eachother through
But I was afraid of commitment
When it came to you..."
Ani DiFranco. :) I have realized, as I've read over my first two blog entries, that I need to SLOW DOWN. Yes, my mind is racing. I am thinking about a thousand different things at once and it is difficult to express them all at the same time. However, it is impossible to go so many directions at one time. Not to mention, it must be confusing. I am blogging about this as a way to sort out my thoughts, and it will do no good if I put them down in exactly the same chaotic fashion that they are swirling about in my brain. I must assign some sort of order to them. I need to deal with them individually, in a linear fashion. Perhaps then I won't feel so overwhelmed.
I have been reading a few other blogs by women in similar situations, and some have spent only a short time discussing their coming out process. I can tell that I am the type of person who will devote significantly more attention to this part of my life, only because I analyze everything to death. For example, I went out to dinner with my brother, sister, and all of our cousins last holiday season. My brother, his wife, my sister, her husband, and I were discussing what to get my mom. I made some ridiculous comment about how I had bought some gold earrings for myself but they weren't my style and I had never worn them, so I was thinking about giving them to her. WHY did I say that? Am I STUPID? Did I have too much wine? What must they have thought about me after I said that? Did they talk about me after dinner? What would I have said if I heard someone else say such a thing? Where did that even COME from? You see -- I am STILL kicking my own ass over that one comment from six months ago.
I have all the time in the world to consider all the whys, hows, whens, whats, and wheres of this situation. This blog is my therapy, since I don't have a therapist. However, I am definitely going to be getting one as soon as possible. In the meantime, though, I am going to look at this one piece at a time. Leading up to the day I came out to my husband...
My ex-girlfriend had been in this play based on a TV show called "The L Word". I unfortunately missed her play and had never heard of the show, and later forgot about it. Then, a few months ago, I was talking about a friend of mine to someone I knew. I told him that she had been bisexual before, but now that she had a girlfriend, she suddenly identified as a lesbian and all she had seemed to want to talk about the last time I had seen her was "lesbians like to watch these shows, lesbians like to shop at these stores, this is popular in the lesbian community, lesbian this, lesbian that, blah blah blah" and I felt like her sexuality had taken over her personality. He told me that it reminded him of this show, "The L Word". More intrigued this time, I made a mental note.
My husband and I ended up cancelling our cable and getting Netflix Instant through our Xbox, and while I was browsing through television shows, one in particular caught my eye -- "The L Word". Of course, I HAD to check it out. YES, it is TOTALLY a soap opera. I have never been one for soap operas before, but I must admit that I am shamelessly and hopelessly addicted to this show. So, I was watching it for a few days, and some of the things that some of the characters said made me think, a lot. At first, I took issue with this scene in the porn shop where Alice (who is bisexual) was there and Dana makes this comment about, "I can't stand you bisexuals. Make up your mind already."
At this point, I identified as a bisexual, and I thought, "Yeah, like LESBIANS have a monopoly on monogamy. Like YOU really have the market cornered on fidelity -- just because you only date women doesn't mean none of you can't 'make up your mind already' WHICH WOMAN to date!" Not only that, but to be judgemental of a woman because she is bisexual while expecting the straight world to NOT judge YOU for being a lesbian -- what is THAT? Would you like a straight person to tell you to "Just be straight already?"
Then there was the episode where Jenny's boyfriend pretty much TELLS her, "You're gay." I had this weird feeling when I watched that, and I started thinking a lot over the next few days. I even wrote this long journal entry about how, even if bisexuality IS due to indecision, the gay community should be supportive instead of condescending to those who are on that journey of discovery. As I wrote that, I wondered. Am I talking about myself? I wrote about how we do not all emerge from the womb fully self-aware, and sometimes we must experience things and reach a certain point before we realize just who we are. Maybe, for some, we don't instantly realize or accept that we are gay. Surely there are others who can relate and sympathize instead of berate and ostracize. After I wrote this, it was like my inner self was trying to tell me something. It beat in my mind like a drumbeat, growing in volume and intensity for the next two days. "AMIGAYAMIGAYAMIGAYAMIGAY?"
**NOTE -- This is NOT to say that I believe that bisexuality is a stepping stone to homosexuality for everyone. Regardless of MY experience, I think bisexuality does exist in its own right and deserves far more respect than it gets. I remember laughing at the "LGBT" -- why the hell do they even put the B in there? Everyone knows that the "B" does not have a community. Rejected by the lesbians, rejected by the straight community (except for horny drooling guys hoping for threesomes, oh goody...), the bisexuals could really use more support and acceptance. You are who you are, why can't you just let them be who they are? Does it affect you? Why should it bother you? You don't have to date them, you know, if you really are convinced that they will "always go back to men". To be fair, some really do. I know that, I did that, I wasn't as brave as many in the lesbian community I so admire. I did it to her, and although she is younger than I am, it took me another five years to get to the point that she already was at when I met her.
Anyway, it's a lonely world, no matter who you are. Dividing ourselves over our sexuality is really immature. I would really like to see the B in LGBT represented more. That's all for today.