Monday, May 23, 2011

Meredith Brooks

"I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet"

I tried to find a picture of Meredith looking, well, "bitchy" -- but you'd be surprised at how many pictures of her are more of the "innocent and sweet" variety.  It doesn't matter, I love the lady in any case.  These lyics seemed to particularly fit me today.  Not only because of what I'm going through with my husband, but also on a personal level.  I seem to be a walking contradiction, opposites living in the same body.

I suppose I've probably always been this way, and I AM a Gemini so this realization should come as no surprise.  I suppose I never really thought about myself this much before, but the situation that I now find myself in has proven to be a catalyst for tons of self-reflection.  I think that it's only fair that if I'm going to be brutally honest with my husband, I should be brutally honest with myself as well.  Not everything that I've discovered on this journey of self-discovery has been pretty, let me tell you that.

The first thing that I find utterly confusing is that I seem to be at once utterly consumed with myself yet paradoxically filled with self-loathing.  Does such a thing exist -- a self-loathing narcissist?  A self-centered masochist?  I would suppose, by definition, it could not -- narcissism is defined as excessive self-love, which I don't have.  I am just obsessed with myself.  I can't really call myself a perfectionist, because I'm not a neat freak or anything.  However, I think about that -- the fact that I am NOT a neat freak -- a lot.  I think about my faults all the time, and my mistakes, and go over the stupid things I said, and my body flaws, etc, etc.  You get it -- I'm obsessed with myself in a BAD way -- with trying to be better and emphasis on why I'm not.  Maybe that's why I'm attracted to very confident women -- they have something that I want.  Confidence.  I envy that.

Speaking of envy in relation to attraction, that brings me to another point.  I notice that the feeling I get now when I look at a woman and feel lust toward her is the same feeling that I would get when I would look at a girl in high school and junior high and feel insane jealousy.  I wouldn't allow myself to even entertain the possibility before I was 18 that I could be sexually excited by a girl, but I would look, and stare, and feel this strange feeling...I couldn't tear my eyes away...I would tell myself, I am SO JEALOUS.  She is SO BEAUTIFUL...I look like that.  Yeah, that's it.  Except one time, when I was 15 I played spin the bottle with two people -- one girl and one boy.  That was my first time making out with a girl and I loved it.  Her lips were so soft and the vibe was so much more sensual...for some reason, I didn't even feel ashamed.  I'm not sure why not, because that was during my "Jesus Freak" phase.  I must have rationalized it that we were just experimenting, it was "all in fun" and didn't mean anything. 

I just finished doing day 2 of level 2, or day 12 of the 30 Day Shred.  I am so proud of me!!!!  Yesterday I was so disappointed in myself, but I was determined to keep trying.  I am so glad I did!  I did SOOOOOO much better today!  Yes, I had to do the modified versions of some of the moves, like double jump ropes and plank jacks.  I lost my balance a few times during the military presses with leg extensions, and I DEFINITELY had to take a couple of breaks during the HORRIBLE plank twists.  I did not aim for perfection today, only to do better than I did yesterday.  And tomorrow I will try to do better than I did today -- before I know it, I will have level 2 MASTERED.  I will OWN it!  I feel so good today because I made such a big improvement.  Big smiles!  Besides, working out is supposed to be good for your mood, and who couldn't use a few extra endorphins in her life?  I'm on bipolar medication but it doesn't always seem to be that effective.  My mood seems to be very dependent on the weather, which really sucks.  I definitely need to be reevaluated by a psychiatrist to see if I can find a more effective combination of medications that will keep me in balance a little better.  Right now all I'm taking is a mood stabilizer, but it doesn't really seem to stabilize anything at all.  Perhaps I just feel that way because things are especially tumultuous right now, I don't know.

Speaking of medications, I think that what I need to do right now is take a Motrin 800 because my muscles are REALLY sore.  I'm not complaining, though -- I always say that the sore parts of my body are the parts that are getting really sexy.  ;)

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