Friday, May 20, 2011

Fiona Apple

"I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can..."

Before I explain why I chose Fiona, and more specifically, this particular song today; allow me to point out something I noticed about her while I was searching for a picture to put in my blog today.  Prior to this blog entry, the females I have chosen have been strong and proud.  The pictures I found when I googled their names were of women standing straight, defiant expressions on their faces, arms in the air, chests out -- you get the picture.  They ranged from Shirley Manson's middle finger to the sweet yet still secure Tori and Ani.  Body language conveys a lot, and I read in each woman that she was comfortable in her own skin, proud to be who she was.

Then today I googled Fiona Apple.  I found pictures of her hunched over, arms crossed over her chest, head down, and always with this questioning look in her eyes.  I can almost interpret that look as if she were speaking aloud -- "Is this okay?  Am I okay?  Am I good enough?  Are you sure?"

She looks like a scared, insecure little girl.  I'm no body language expert by any means, but just by comparing the previous women to this woman, one thing is clear -- she does not have "IT".  And "IT", as I am coming to find out, is confidence.  Look at these poses -- insecure, insecure, insecure.

This is not to say that I have not had an insecure day in MY life, because I certainly have.  I am just remarking on how much more beautiful a woman can be when she is confident, that's all. 

Why did I choose her today?  Because I feel like I have been a bad, bad girl.  It's really happening now, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.  My life is falling apart around me and I'm terrified.  I'm mourning my relationship, even though I know it isn't right for me.  I'm thinking of all the good times we had together and the time we spent as a family and grieving for all the good things that have to end too.  I'm wishing there were some way I could save some of it, even though I know it wouldn't be fair to force my husband to stay in a relationship with someone who only wants to be his best friend.  It would be selfish of me to keep him to myself out of convenience when he deserves to be loved by someone the way he loves me.  If I could make myself love him that way, I would do it in a heartbeat.  My heart is breaking for him, for how sad he is, for how much he's done for me and how much he's put into this relationship and now feels like he's failed and not done enough.  He feels like he isn't good enough, that I don't love him, and it hurts me so much because he's an amazing man and I DO love him...just not in the way he wants me to.  It is so hard for me to let him go because he DOES make me happy, and this IS safe and comfortable and easy, but this isn't where either of us is meant to be.  I wish I hadn't wasted so much of his time.  I wish I had known before!  I am so sad for so many reasons. 

The biggest reason is my son, who loves my husband very much.  First, I stayed in an abusive relationship for too long and my son was two years old before I cut final ties with his dad.  Now he's four and has to lose the main man in his life again, only I believe it will be worse this time because he really looks up to my husband and they spend a lot of time together.  I don't know what to do, I'm just rambling right now so I think I should probably end this entry and return when my thoughts make more sense to me.

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