Thursday, June 9, 2011

Saving Jane

"Raise your hand if you don't care
What those platinum girls wear
Raise your hand if you're just here
To have a good time

Raise your hand if your lipstick
Doesn't make you a dumb chick
Raise your hand if the shape of your hips
Don't compare to the shape of your mind

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a barbie doll, shopping mall, silicone substitution
I thought I told ya I'm a soldier
And I ain't leaving till the battle's over
One girl revolution

Raise your hand if you're smart, girls
More than push-ups and pearls
Let them stare at our pictures baby
While we take over the world

Raise your hand if you're not another carbon copy
Wanna be like everybody else
Raise up your hand if you've got something more to say

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion
I thought I told ya I'm a soldier
And I ain't leaving till the party's over
One girl revolution

What are we selling, our brains or our belly buttons
What are you buying, don't you know that they're lying
What are you crying about, don't just sit there
And wait while they're selling us out

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not the girl next door anymore, baby I'm an institution
I thought I told ya don't wanna know ya
Pack your bags baby cause this army's taking over
I'm here to start a one girl revolution

(I'm the kind of chick that leaves you cryin for your mother
Keep on looking if you're looking for a cookie cutter)

I'm here to start a revolution"

Saving Jane isn't like some of the other bands or artists I've talked about in my blog -- I only ever heard one song from them, and it was on the radio.  The song I did hear, though, I EFFING LOVED!  I was kind of disappointed to not have heard anything after that.  Sometimes when I hear one song I love on the radio, I'll go out and buy the CD and follow the band or artist regardless of whether they ever get picked up by the mainstream.  I think that in this case, though, the song wasn't representative of the band's overall mission statement.  I don't think they were actually a feminist band with a female empowering agenda, and the rest of their music didn't have anything else that appealed to me on any other front either.  So I loved the song while it was around, then let them fade away.  Like...Joydrop.  Although I must admit, I didn't really do much investigating into Joydrop -- for all I know, I might have loved everything they ever did besides Beautiful and I might have shortchanged myself by NOT buying the CD.  That's a topic for another day, though.

Yesterday I failed.  I didn't work out as I had promised myself that I would.  It was about a thousand degrees outside all day though!  I stayed outside in the yard while my son played in the kiddie pool and didn't come in to do anything except eat or use the bathroom.  We don't have air conditioning and I was sweating without even DOING anything, can you imagine what shredding would have done to me???  I would have died!  At least I prefer to think so, that way I don't feel as guilty for skipping out. 

I did take a long bike ride downtown for Blues on the Mall, though.  It's a weekly outdoor music event in the summer where all kinds of people gather together to listen to music, chill, socialize, buy food, and other random things.  It's popular with bikers and my son loves watching all the motorcycles.  He doesn't even know it as "Blues on the Mall", he just calls it "motorcycles".  So H, his son, and myself rode our bikes and my son rode in the cart that goes behind H's bike.  When we got there, I ran into some old friends and some people we camped at Peace Fest with last year, so we sat on the grass with them.  They had brought hula hoops so I had fun trying that out.  When did I get so uncoordinated?  I remember hula hooping for hours when I was a kid, it was SO not a big deal.  Last night I just kept dropping the damn thing, and it was so HARD, I felt like it shouldn't be so hard.  The other girls were just rocking their hoops all slow and easy at a relaxed pace and I was frantically gyrating at a frenzied pace, sweating and panting, always on the verge of dropping the stupid hoop.  Clearly I need more practice. 

We had a good time, though.  I think it was the first time we'd been able to be civil with one another since the first serious talk we had.  It was so nice to just be able to relax and not be angry, to not argue, to act like we don't want to disembowel one another.  The thing is, though, he got it in his head that he's not letting me go.  He just decided that whatever I want, he'll let me have, but he's not leaving because he loves me too much.  If I don't want to have sex, that's fine.  If I want to date women, that's fine too.  He told me that if I told him to leave and put a gun to his head, he probably still wouldn't leave.  Does he think I want a martyr?  Why would I want him to stay in a sexless marriage with a woman who has, or who is pursuing, a relationship with someone else?  Not to mention, how would that be fair to the woman I would eventually date?

I thought before that was what I wanted.  I thought I wanted us to be "roommates" -- for him to date other people, for me to date other people, but to continue to live in the same house until we had a serious enough relationship with someone else that we would want to cohabit with that person.  I keep talking about my son's relationship with my husband and that's the main reason I thought I wanted that arrangement.  I thought it would be perfect.  Last week when H was whining about his sexual frustration, I encouraged him to go get laid.  He was hurt that I would suggest going outside of our marriage, because he was clearly angling for something else, but we all already know my position on that.  However, I do want him to be happy, and I told him so.  I told him I don't want to hold him back in any way, I care about him and just because I can't give him what he needs doesn't mean that he shouldn't have it.  He got extremely upset.  I'm giving him the green light to sleep with whomever he wants, and he's upset about it???  I think what it comes down to, though, is that he realized that I really just don't want an intimate relationship with him.  I think for me to encourage him to look elsewhere probably WAS a little heartbreaking, because if I wanted to stay together, that would have hurt for me to think of him with another woman.  The fact that it doesn't bother me at all bothered him greatly.

Anyway, I got a little off track.  The roommate thing definitely won't work.  I never thought about how it would make the other person feel.  I suppose that WOULD be awkward for a potential love interest of mine or his, wouldn't it?  How would you feel if you started dating someone and found out that they still lived with their ex-wife or ex-husband?  Better yet, SOON TO BE ex-wife or ex-husband?  Wouldn't that be awkward?  I guess it would, but I never considered that.  Luckily, someone pointed that out yesterday.  Anyway, I'm off to make some breakfast.  :D

Monday, June 6, 2011


"I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see"

PIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!  I love this girl.  I have loved her since her first CD, for exactly the reasons stated in her lyrics above.  I give a lot of female artists grief for "selling out" by playing their sexuality too much and not relying just on their talent, and I get especially angry when they start out as funky, unique, or different and then seem to conform to society's standard of beauty.  I hate it when a girl changes herself just to be what she thinks other people want her to be, to fit what the majority views as appealing, and I rebelled against those things for so long.  I've decided to look a little less harshly on those women, though, because I found myself doing the same thing.  It's hard not to cave to the pressure of a society that sends the message that you're inferior if you don't have a fake tan, fake blonde hair, fake boobs, fake nails, fakey fakey fakey cookie cutter singular minded standard of beauty.  I went against the grain for so many years -- in the extreme, refusing to wear makeup, shave my legs, or even wear girls' clothes.  I asked myself why I should tan, just because men decided that skin damage was beautiful.  Why I should bleach my hair, just because men decided that putting harsh chemicals in my hair to attain a more preferable color was desirable.  Why should I be what THEY decided I should be?  Why should THEY define MY standard of beauty?  Why should THEY dictate MY look?

Hit the fast forward button, and I've done a complete 180.  I still believe those things, but doesn't every girl want to feel pretty?  Those things SHOULDN'T matter, but they do.  No one wants to be overlooked, and no one likes to feel inferior.  It's that desire for acceptance.  I started doing things that I didn't find attractive just because other people did, because I wanted some attention too!  I couldn't turn anyone around to my way of thinking, I couldn't find anyone who could think for themselves, and I finally decided, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."  I sold out. 

Now that I feel like I'm getting more in touch with my true self, that inner rebellion is getting strong again inside me.  I've spent too much of my life being what other people wanted, being who other people wanted me to be, trying to fit some ideal set forth by everyone but myself.  Fuck that.  I'm reclaiming my identity and I don't give a DAMN who likes it and who doesn't, this is ME, this is MY life, and I'm going to do what makes ME happy!  Everytime I walk out the door with stilettos and a tight little short dress, fake nails, sprayed on fake tan, the whole 9...I look in the mirror and think, "Who the hell is THAT?  That's not me!"  I ended up getting the attention and acceptance I wanted, but for all the wrong reasons.  I wanted people to accept me for who I really was.

Anyway...that turned into a bit of a rant.  :)  Today's workout TOTALLY SUCKED.  I don't know why, I just didn't have much energy or something.  I had to take THREE breaks just to get through it.  Terrible.  I started doing the Slim-Fast High Protein shakes today, I'm going to do those for breakfast and lunch all week and I'm going to work out EVERY DAY this week.  (Monday through Friday).  I am going to weigh myself on Saturday morning, and damn it, I BETTER see a lower number!!! 

Tomorrow is my birthday!!!  I don't think I'm really going to do anything special.  I'm old now, you know!  It's the big 2-9, which is just as sad to me as 30 because every day after tomorrow is one day closer to 30.  This is the last year of my 20's.  Oh, I know, age is just a number.  Getting older is better than the alternative, and I understand that, I just really have a hard time with getting older.  My slowing metabolism, for one.  My hips and shoulders crackling, popping, and snapping when I work out -- when did that start happening?  The fact that it takes me almost 2 days to recover from an all-nighter.  The fact that I have a really hard time even PULLING an all-nighter anymore.  Ugh.  Why couldn't everything stay the same as when I was 17?  My looks, my body, my stamina, my energy...the rest of it could progress, like wisdom and maturity.  I just have a problem with my BODY getting old.  Then again, I guess I don't really get a vote.  *sigh*

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Drain STH

"Hope is wearing thin as ice
When my feelings slowly die
Is there anyone there?
Am I all alone?
Through the flesh to the bone
Thorn sticks deep inside me
Can you feel me, I am wrong
Can you see me, I am gone
From the things I have denied
Feel the smell, Feel the smell
From what once was me
I am trapped in myself
Buried in my body
Can you feel me I am wrong
Can you see me so long gone
I am lost, I'm on my own
All my feelings, turned to stone
To stone...
To stone..."

I usually like action pictures, but I found it pretty difficult to capture each of these ladies performing at the same time in one picture.  Posed pictures can be pretty cool too, I guess.  Hey, 1995 called -- they said IT'S OVER.  I'm guilty of living in the 90's BIG TIME, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I get all happy and nostalgic when I hear Ace of Base, The Cranberries, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Gin Blossoms, Counting Crows, Weezer, Bush, Sublime, K's Choice, Melissa Etheridge, even Salt 'N Pepa and TLC.  I could honestly go on for pages here.  Anywho, I present to you now another lost treasure of the 90's -- Drain STH.  These chicks rocked.  I liked Kittie because they were hardcore, but Drain STH had a little bit more of a melodic side to them.  It's hard to explain.  It's like, sometimes I'm in the mood for Slipknot and sometimes I'd rather hear Stone Sour.  (Stone Sour has Corey from Slipknot, yet it's a more melodic version of the same type of sound).  Or old Mudvayne vs. new Mudvayne.

For the record, I mentioned Otep a few entries back.  I was going to give them a listen because I had loved Kittie so much and someone had suggested Otep as a band that would appeal to Kittie fans.  I suppose that may be the case, but it was hard to discern because I wasn't in that kind of a mood.  I don't think Kittie would have floated my boat right now either, I'm feeling pretty relaxed and mellow.  I liked Otep's sound, I just wasn't feeling it at the moment.  I'll have to give it another go at another time.

I have to say, I misjudged Space Girl's reaction.  I probably wouldn't even have told her yet, except I was intoxicated.  You know how things sometimes just come out...  In any case, I felt really embarrassed after I told her, and I was concerned about how that might make her feel.  I mentioned this before, but who was I, still in a state of married heterosexual privilege, to trivialize the whole thing and make light of the life SHE is living by trying to compare myself to her, or to liken my situation to hers in any way?  Which, of course, I wasn't doing at all, but I wasn't sure how she would take it.  I didn't know if she would be insulted or offended, or if she would judge me, or even if she would take me seriously.  To my surprise, she has turned out to be really supportive.  It's really nice to know someone who kind of understands and who is there for you.  Of course, like I told her, I'm trying my best not to obsess over this, and I'm not going to try to abuse her friendship by wearing out my welcome (so to speak).  I don't want to be like one of those girls who just starts a new relationship and always talks about it, or asks for advice on "they didn't call for 2.5 hours, what do you think that means, should I wear this on our date, should I do this or that, she did this or that what does it mean, we did this together we're doing this together someday we're going to do this and that and blah blah blah blah..."  In fact, I even wrote a blog entry on Facebook about how one of our other friends realized she was gay, and I hung out with her and that's all SHE talked about.  I guess I can understand a little better now, though.  It really consumes your life.  I'm trying not to let that happen, but damn!  This is huge!  I get it now.

There is one thing I'm a little nervous about, though.  I have full custody of my son, and he is pretty hard to handle.  Because of that fact, I don't really have a babysitter.  My sister in law is the only one that can handle him, and she works a lot.  Well, my husband can, but when we're not together anymore, that won't matter.  What I worry about is trying to date again.  How am I going to get any free time? 

On one hand, T will be in kindergarten in the fall, so I'll have a little bit of time when I'm not in class during the day.  Also, his dad said he's filing a motion and trying to get supervised visitation.  I have no problem with supervised visitation, as a matter of fact, I requested that in the motion I already filed but let him waste his money and file another one.  The judge just hasn't entered the order yet.  The goal of supervised visitation is to move toward unsupervised visitation, which I have mixed feelings about.  I don't think having every other weekend to myself is worth the risk of my son getting abused at the hands of his stepmom again, or being placed in the care of registered sex offenders.  How easy is it going to be, though, to find a girl who loves kids so much that she wants to be around my unruly son ALL THE DAMN TIME?  Hell, even I wish I had a break sometimes.  Stupid bad fathers.  :(

Friday, June 3, 2011

Erykah Badu

"I got a little pot in my belly
So now a days my figure ain't so fly
My dress ain't cost nothin' but seven dollars
But I made it fly
And I'll tell ya why"

That just soooooooo fits me today.  My figure ain't so fly these days, but let me tell YOU why -- @!$% birth control!  I don't give a damn about anyone who says it doesn't make you gain weight, I'm here to say it does.  You might wonder why I'm even taking it, since I'm not even having sex with my husband anymore.  It's nice to know when "Aunt Flo" is visiting, you know?  I like to control how long she stays, when she arrives...before the pill, it wasn't unusual for me to get two week visits.  Then she'd show up again a week later.  It was insanity.  Still, I'm very tempted to stop this pill nonsense altogether anyway, because I can NOT lose weight. 

Today was day 15 of the 30 Day Shred -- the halfway point.  I have lost a total of 3 pounds.  I take Topamax as a mood stabilizer because I'm bipolar, and I got back on it at the same time that I got on the pill.  Normally the Topamax makes me drop weight rapidly, until I hit about 120 lbs, without even working out.  This time I am working my ASS off and I am stalled at 132.8!  I am getting SO SICK of seeing that EXACT number every morning on the scale.  Today I pushed myself in my workout.  Each circuit has two sets of each exercise, so I vowed to use the heavier weights during the first set of strength exercises and do the non-modified versions during the first set of the other exercises (like plank squats, plank jacks, double jump ropes, etc).  I did really well, except that I did have to pause a couple of times due to the fact that I was pushing myself so hard.  I didn't have to pause at all yesterday, but I was using the lighter weights and doing the modified versions throughout the whole workout.  I was also breathing SO HARD after the double jump ropes that I had to pause the DVD to catch my breath before moving into plank twists -- it was the only way I could do it.

So, yesterday, I know I sounded kind of...bitchy.  I'm really sensitive, and any time I feel judged or rejected, I get a little defensive.  I take a lot of things personally that aren't even directed at me, that have nothing to do with me, and sometimes it looks like I'm almost trying to find a reason to get offended.  It seems like everywhere I try to fit in in life, people are judgemental for petty reasons.  I really hoped to leave all that behind me in high school, but I'm finding that people with their societal hierarchies, cliques, superiority complexes, and holier-than-thou attitudes exist everywhere, in all walks of life, and at all ages.  It makes me sad because I feel like there's a bigger picture here and we're missing the forest for the trees.  I guess it's because I've always been the outcast and I'm afraid to find myself in a situation where I'm a misfit, even among misfits!  I just want people to judge me for ME and I feel like there are more important things to consider than whether or not I have slept with a man.  I just don't understand how that has anything to do with who I am, and if someone rejects me on that principle alone (in the future, when I'm ready to start dating) they could be missing out on a good person and overlooking something with potential...and for what?  To spare themselves...cooties?  I guess I just don't understand. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Janis Joplin

"Feelin' good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee..."

I need to keep moving forward, even if it's only a little bit at a time.  I decided that the best way to do that is to make goals, sort of develop a game plan.  The first thing I need to do is get a job.  I'm sure that student loans aren't going to cover everything I'll need to live independently, so I will need a job with a schedule that coordinates well with my class schedule this fall.  I also need to make sure Hubby is hooked up with some mental health resources and that we start going to therapy so he will be better equipped to deal with this transition. 

I thought he was doing well, but he's bipolar and he flipped out on me the other day.  He told me that he hated me, he regretted ever marrying me and every moment we had spent together, he wished he had never met me, and that he was going to find some way to kill himself.  He said if he couldn't be with me, he didn't want to live at all.  Of course I freaked out, but part of me was angry.  I felt manipulated.  I felt like he was trying to impede my progress because he knew that I would feel guilty and stay.  I thought that was very unfair and it made me resent him for doing that to me.  I'm trying to be more compassionate, though.  I have to realize that this is a cry for help, and I can help him without staying around forever.  I can show him that I DO care by helping him access mental health resources that can help him get through this.  I'm sure it's hard for him, but it's hard for me too.  The thing is, I'm not sure if this therapist takes Medicaid, and that's the only insurance we have.  If not, we'll have to go through Network 180.  In any case, therapy is on the list.  I want to be comfortable with his mental state before I leave.

Getting a job is also on the list.  I want to be comfortable with my independence before I leave, also.  (I keep saying before I leave, but this house is in my name.  He'll be the one leaving.)  That makes it that much more important -- I need to make sure I can afford the house payment and the bills by myself.  My job hunt led me to Craigslist, where I found a very interesting personals ad.  (I get sidetracked easily.)

I was looking in the "women for women" personals ads -- no, NOT looking for a date -- and found one that provided some food for thought.  I can't really say it was insulting, because each person has a right to her own opinion.  Or prejudice, as the case may be.  I can place a personal ad that says, "please be white, thanks" and I would be within my rights, but it would be...what?  What is the word I'm looking for?  Narrow-minded?  Judgemental?  Ignorant?  I don't really know.  Anyway, this woman said, "I'm looking for a local lesbian to accompany me to the movies on Tuesday or Thursday.  I will pay for your ticket.  Please have your gold star.  Thanks."

This whole "gold star lesbian" business is a bit juvenile.  It's one thing if you classify yourself as one...although that might imply that you somehow think that you're superior to other lesbians, "more gay", or that you have earned some kind of higher rank or special honor (implying that those who are NOT gold stars are inferior, "less gay", and have somehow sullied their rank with their past sexual behavior).  However, I don't have as much of a problem with how YOU classify yourself...I have a problem when you are using this STUPID "status symbol" as a way to judge and reject others.  My son's father said that he refused to date a woman who had slept with a black man.  That is so irrelevant, and bigoted.  Hmmmm....I'm recognizing a parallel here. 

Oh, you think this is different?  News flash, it's not.  My past has no relevance to NOW.  Why the fuck should it matter to you whether a penis has been inside me?  Are you afraid of cooties?  I understand, the mental picture probably grosses you out.  It wasn't fun for me either, but it's OVER.  I'm not afraid to give you oral because you had your period two weeks ago, or because you had a yeast infection when you were 16.  Guess what?  I've had some pretty disgusting things on various other parts of my body, and I bet you have too.  We've both taken showers since then, this is now, and we're moving forward.  On second thought, I actually LIKE the Gold Star Lesbian thing.

It enables me to separate the judgemental elitists from the people I actually want to spend time with.  To those of you who think you're better because you're a Gold Star and judge those of us who aren't -- you're just as bad as the homophobes of the straight community, and you don't deserve my company.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


"I've lived on hope
Just like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings
well from now on I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, a stronger woman"

When you think about it that way, it really puts things in perspective.  If my daughter were in my shoes, what would I want her to do?  Why do I not choose for myself what I would want for her?  If I am to teach my children to live happy lives and follow their dreams, shouldn't I lead by example?  Is there, somewhere, a stronger woman in me?

I come up with all these reasons why I CAN'T end this.  I read a quote the other day, though, that really made me think.  We were talking about working out and my cousin said, "If we really want to do something, we'll find reasons.  If we don't, we'll find excuses."  (It was something like that, maybe not exactly)  For example, it took me three years to leave my son's dad, and it was a similar process then.  I would say, "Oh, I can't leave because I don't have any money, I don't have a job, I don't know how to do anything for myself, I don't have a car, and my son needs his dad because he's so young."  But, I was surprised to find out what I was capable of when it really came down to it.  I suspect I still have that inner reserve of strength somewhere, I just need to tap into it somehow.  To stop making excuses and start finding reasons.  Of course, it's harder this time because my husband is a much better person than my son's dad was.  Everyone was happy about me leaving HIM, but this time, I'm not so sure I'll have that support.

Here are my excuses and why they shouldn't stop me.

1.  I don't have a job, and I don't think I can find one.  --  This is true, I have applied for about 20 jobs a month over the last 3 or 4 months, and no one wants to hire me.  The most recent work experience I have is not something I can put on a resume, and I have not worked in an office in 5 years.  Furthermore, I left that office on bad terms, so if I put them on my resume and they are contacted, they would not give me a good reference.  In the fall, I will be going to school full time, so how would I even find time to work also?  Okay, well I could apply for FIP until I get a job, but one of the requirements for cash assistance is that you have to apply for a certain number of jobs per week and if you are offered a job, you can not turn it down.  I will have class on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday during the day and my son will be in kindergarten.  What if I get offered a job with a schedule that conflicts with my class schedule?  Option 2, I could keep applying for jobs and work something out with hubby that we will continue to cohabit until I am successful.  I mean, he will need to save up money before he can just move out anyway, so this arrangement could be mutually beneficial.

2.  My son will suffer.  This may be the case, but I realized something yesterday while I was arguing with my husband.  My son is suffering NOW.  I was being bitchy and moody, he blew up at me for my attitude, I told him I don't want to be with him anyway, he said I probably never DID, and I said I never should have married that point my son started to cry and ran into his room.  I felt horrible, I didn't even realize he was standing there.  I want so badly to protect him, but at the same time, I'm exposing him to all this negativity and discord in our home.  It's like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other -- either way, he's going to be hurt.  Shouldn't it at least be a hurt that will have a foreseeable end instead of an indefinite, prolonged pain?  I don't think there's any way around this one.  I have thought long and hard, but there is no easy way out.  I just need to be as gentle, supportive, and loving to my son throughout this whole process.  Hopefully my husband can still be involved in our lives somehow and will still spend time with him from time to time.  I don't know how that will go over if he starts a new relationship, but this whole thing isn't my son's fault and he is really close to my husband. 

3.  My family will be disappointed.  This was the reason that made me go through with my first marriage, even though I didn't want to.  This was the reason that kept me there for 3 years, even though I was unhappy.  When I finally left my husband, I was shocked to discover that my family was much more supportive and understanding than I had expected.  I thought that I was letting them down, but they completely encouraged me to pursue my own happiness.  They are still friends with my ex-husband, but they stand behind me and my decision 100%.  I'm a little more nervous this time because this is my second failed marriage, but they are my family.  In the end, I think they will be there no matter what, even if they don't agree with my decisions. 

Looking at all these reasons and knowing that I can overcome them, I still don't know if I really WILL.  I still can't picture myself ALONE.  It's so scary, and things are so easy right now.  Except they're not, and I'm kidding myself if I think they'll get any better.  I have run from relationship to relationship all my life, existing to be someone's "other half" for so long, that I don't know how to be myself.  I don't even know who I am, and I'm kind of scared to be all alone with this person -- me -- that I don't even know.  Doing everything for myself, thinking for myself, doing what I want, going where I want, when I have been so used to letting everyone else make the decisions and I just follow along.  How will I even KNOW what I want?  I've never really thought about that before. 

The longest period of time that I was alone was after I left my son's dad, and even then, we were still hooking up here and there, talking on the phone, spending time together, and he'd tease me with the possibility that we might get back together.  In fact, the last time I had a romantic conversation with him was Christmas night that year, he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me and that he was going to come spend the weekend with me.  I met my husband just one month later.  However, from the time I left my son's dad in March and started the on-again-off-again thing until October when he got another girl pregnant, until December when I realized he wasn't leaving her for me, until January when I met someone new...that time was the most intensely painful that I have ever experienced, and I WASN'T EVEN IN LOVE WITH HIM.  I hated that guy, he abused me, he criticized me, he cheated on me, he stole from me, he was an alcoholic...if I had such a hard time leaving HIM, just WHAT is going to happen when I leave a good husband?  I was suicidal after I left my son's dad.  I don't want to go back down that road.  But, is it fair to use my husband as a crutch, just because I can't be alone?  Nope.

Monday, May 30, 2011

DJ Gina Turner

I just met her in person at DEMF.  She was spinning at an afterparty at The Works called, "I Love You but I've Chosen Techno".  She was AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!  I had to stop dancing a few times just to stare at her up there, she was just getting it DONE.  I had a really good time, but it ended pretty horribly.  I left early and...well, let me start from the beginning.

So, my husband and I have been fighting a lot, and talking about divorce, and there has been a general air of unhappiness in my marital home.  I had decided on divorce and hadn't quite worked up to telling him those exact words yet, but I had two serious talks leading up to it that had been meant to lead up to the major "I want a divorce" talk.  We had the "I'm gay" talk.  We had the "I'm not happy" talk.  Then, just before the "I want a divorce" talk...I started really looking at things.  My son, mostly.  My family.  Our house.  Our life.  How much he LOVES me, how much he's done for me.  I started thinking about the way things used to be between us and the way I used to feel for him.  I may never have felt that for any other man, but I will never deny that I DID once feel it for him.  If it WAS there, maybe it can BE there again.  Right?  I mean, walking away from all this is so hard, and maybe it's worth working on and trying to find what we lost.  It might not have been perfect, but nothing ever is, right?  Then, right when I changed my mind about divorce, he told me HE wanted a divorce.

Then I told him we should just go to DEMF together, like it was going to be some magic cure.  Last year when I went, I was filled with so much joy and happiness.  I felt like I was at home, at one with myself and the universe, and in tune with everything and everyone.  I was full of inner peace, harmony, enlightenment, and going to DEMF only compounded that and made it an absolutely beautiful, magical experience.  Silly me, I thought that our relationship could use something beautiful and magical -- but I didn't realize that last year, we hadn't found anything we didn't already have.  This year, I was trying to fill a void.  It didn't work.  I was trying to get back to where we were last year, and I thought by going back to the place we were so happy together and doing the things we did when we were in ;perfect harmony, I could bring it back.

I think I might be too late.  I've fallen out of step with him somehow, and it seems like all I noticed were things that bothered me.  Every time he held me, I felt suffocated.  He would put an arm around me at the festival and it would feel restricting and possessive.  He would grope me or touch me and I would feel like he was mauling me.  Even when he tried to cuddle with me in bed, I just felt like he was invading my space.  I recoiled from his touches, flinched from kisses, shrank in his embrace.  How was I supposed to reconnect with him THAT way?  Everything he did annoyed me.  He was making faces that hated me, I couldn't stand the way he drove, the things he wanted to spend money on, or really ANY decision he wanted to make.  I was at the point that I thought I couldn't wait for him to leave.  But then (and THIS is how messed up I am) when it was time for him to leave, I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving.  I didn't want to be alone with Shy and Vanessa.  They are really nice, but I would have felt so lonely with this happy loving couple, and me all alone.

As a matter of fact, I felt that way even BEFORE my husband left.  I was walking up to all the beautiful women at the festival, complimenting them, flirting, introducing myself, chatting them up, etc.  I noticed many happy lesbian couples, including Shy and Vanessa.  I couldn't help but feel some kind of deep envy for the happiness I was denying myself that they were allowing themselves, I was angry and bitter because all around me I saw what I wanted and next to me I saw what I had chosen instead.  Was it his fault?  Absolutely not.  He is a wonderful man, affectionate and loving, and I'm crying my eyes out as I type this.  He tries so hard and does so much for me, but my inner conflicted self had so many intense feelings going around due to all the overwhelming thoughts I've had lately that my frustration all spilled over onto him.  I projected all of my resentment out onto him and I was just so out of synch that I broke down and I knew I just had to leave.

I think what bothered me the most about the whole festival was the constant oppressive feeling of not belonging.  I didn't really fit in anywhere, which was in stark contrast to the feelings of community, acceptance, and belonging I had felt the previous year.  On one hand, I felt like I didn't fit in my marriage.  I felt like my husband and I were standing on opposite sides of a glass wall and couldn't reach one another.  I felt like an outsider in my own marriage.  At the same time, I came to realize that it is one thing to BE a lesbian married to a man, and quite another to live a lesbian lifestyle.  I might BE gay, but that is NOT the same as living a gay lifestyle.  At one point I did briefly explain to Shy what was going on with Dwight and I, and felt almost embarassed telling her I was gay.  I mean, who was I to tell HER this?  Really?  It felt almost insulting to her, because I am living a married life.  That's when "heterosexual priviledge" really started to make sense.  Not even just priveledge and non-priveledge, but I noticed a distinct separation.  A chasm between communities, and I didn't belong in either one. 

I went in to the booth where they were giving away free cigarettes and I told the guy behind the counter that the girl checking IDs was really hot.  He said, "Oh, family in the house?  Where's your rainbow bracelet?"  I realized that he meant that he was identifying as gay and was asking why I didn't wear a pride bracelet.  I feel like I don't really have a right to, you know?  That seems like kind of a slap in the face to those who are out and proud for some married lesbian to hide behind her husband and flash some rainbow bracelet around at a festival but stay in her marriage and pretty much in the closet for the rest of her life.  I feel like I haven't earned the priveledge of wearing a rainbow, because I still enjoy "heterosexual priveledge".  Besides, what good would that do?  It's not as if I'm on the market or anything.

I left the rental car and my debit card with the girls and told them to just bring it back when they were finished.  I couldn't have fun with my husband, I couldn't have had fun without him.  I am just unhappy, and I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything on the planet that can ever change that.