Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Courtney Love

"If you want love so unconditional and real you gotta ride
That black horse baby through the depths of hell that I've been follow
Me away
I will be the same
Strongest one to name
Through the valley of life
I'm gonna be the same
Goodnight goodnight goodnight
Ah goodnight
Oh you'll never be the same..."

Yeah, that's right, I did it.  Courtney, for all that she's been demonized, is just a woman -- a woman who has demons, like the rest of us.  A woman who has potential, like the rest of us.  A woman who made choices, like any woman -- any PERSON -- does, every day.  Some of those choices had lasting repercussions.  Some of the paths she chose to venture down led to things like addiction and suffering, but if you believe in karma (and I very much do) I think you'll recognize that she has paid, and perhaps continues to pay, the consequences for the bad choices she made.  At the risk of waxing philosophical for a moment, folks, let us consider for a moment the possibility that hell is not in the afterlife -- it is here on earth.  It is the suffering we inflict on ourselves when we exercise our free will to do things that are harmful to ourselves and others.  See above.  I don't believe she's a bad person.  I don't believe anyone is.  We're like clay that is neither positive nor negative, only neutral, and can be shaped into something positive or negative.  That's just my opinion, though. 

Anyway, the lyrics I chose have significance as well, like they usually do.  I'll explain them momentarily.  First, my Shred report.  :D  Today was day 13.  I took yesterday off because I was very, very sore and I felt entitled to a day of rest.  Besides, I got home from court and immediately started arguing with hubby, so after that was over, I was way too depressed to work out anyway.  Today's workout went even better than yesterday's!  I really pushed myself!  I noticed, though, that my feet are really starting to hurt.  I need to start working out in shoes.  (Yes, I do it barefoot -- after doing yoga for so many years, I've become accustomed to working out barefoot.  30 Day Shred, I'm finding, is way too high-impact for that.)  Tomorrow the plan is to move up to the 5 pound weights and make it through the plank twists.  I'll do that until day 15, then I'll try to do the regular (not modified) versions of some of the exercises.  By day 20, I don't want to be doing any of the modified versions anymore.

Court went really well, my ex didn't have a lawyer and I do.  My ex just thought he could run the show and intimidate everyone, which didn't go over very well at all.  On top of all that, we were there to discuss why I denied him parenting time back in February, and he kept trying to discuss custody.  He kept trying to object to things without a legal basis, then he kept rambling about irrelevant things, and the bailiff had to shush him twice.  I thought he was going to be kicked out of the courtroom on one occasion.  He was disrespectful, obnoxious, and ignorant.  However, that made things even easier for me.  They found in my favor and I was not charged with contempt.  Also, his objection to my ex parte was filed on the 14th day (he had 14 days to object) with the wrong court, so they are not going to give him a hearing.  If he wants to do anything, he has to hire a lawyer and file a motion.  All of that means that I officially have sole custody and will soon be getting child support, FINALLY!

Yesterday I *thought* I finally got my way.  Hubby broke down and totally understood.  I asked him what he wanted, and he said divorce.  Now all of a sudden I'm not sure that's what I want anymore!  Oh my goddess, what the hell is the MATTER with me?  I did tell him that I don't want to have sex with him, but I do love him...I guess I just couldn't stand to see him all broken down like that.  My son doesn't really have a role model and I was thinking about that, too...everyone but myself, I know.  But F!  I HAVE TO GET IN TO THERAPY!!!!!!!!  I have the name of a therapist, I just really need to get on the ball with that.  Why am I changing my mind now that he wants what I thought I wanted him to want?  What the hell is the matter with me???

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