Friday, May 13, 2011

Tori Amos

"She's been everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own..."

I used to listen to that entire CD, Little Earthquakes, and just cry.  I had it during an abusive relationship, so a lot of the songs hit home in a major way.  Crucify, Girl, China, Precious Things, Winter (because it reminded me of my dad)...well, pretty much the whole CD.  Tori is my GIRL!  I can tell that she feels things intensely, like I do.  It comes through in her voice, and I can see it in her face when she is singing.

Once, three friends and I got GREAT seats to a Tori concert.  It was unbelievable -- we were four rows from the stage, and directly in the center!  It was an outdoor concert and the weather was perfect.  We all dressed up and had such a great time.  We could see the saliva dripping onto the microphone, THAT is how close we were!  I do remember feeling pretty bad, though, because one of the other girls kept complaining that some of the people around us were singing along.  I know that I was doing it too, but I couldn't help it -- I know we all came to hear TORI sing, and I wasn't trying to sing over her or anything.  It's just that I can't hear a song that I love without singing along, it just isn't possible for me.  I did it at the Sarah McLachlan concert, too.  I feel terrible if if bothers anyone, and I try to be quiet, but that's the best I can do.

Today I finished day 7 of the 30 Day Shred.  I have lost 3 pounds so far, which really pisses me off because this is a SUPER HARD workout.  It's only 20 minutes long, but I sweat buckets and I basically collapse when I'm finished.  Last summer I weighed 120 lbs, and I weigh 133 right now.  This is NOT COOL.  I think it's because I'm getting closer to 30 or something.  Whatever it is, I'm not digging it.  I am moving up to level 2 in the workout on Monday, so the pounds better start dropping!

You may notice I'm not so obsessed with this whole "I'm a lesbian" thing.  Well, someone made a really good point on one of the websites I was on.  She said not to let it take over your life and I realized that's totally what I was doing.  I have a tendency to let things consume me, and I decided to try something different this time.  Balance.  Maintain perspective.  I'll still talk about coming out and what I'm going to do, but I have time.  For example, one possible option -- to transition into a polyamorous relationship.  Is it for me?

That option has its appeal because I don't have to change my life too much, but if I'm completely honest with myself, I would choose it only for convenience.  It's not really what I WANT, but if I decided what I REALLY want is too hard, and I'm not strong or brave enough to end this relationship, I could always string him along and pretend I still want this relationship while pursing the relationship I REALLY want.  Now, does THAT sound fair?  No.

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