"She's been everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own..."
I used to listen to that entire CD, Little Earthquakes, and just cry. I had it during an abusive relationship, so a lot of the songs hit home in a major way. Crucify, Girl, China, Precious Things, Winter (because it reminded me of my dad)...well, pretty much the whole CD. Tori is my GIRL! I can tell that she feels things intensely, like I do. It comes through in her voice, and I can see it in her face when she is singing.
Once, three friends and I got GREAT seats to a Tori concert. It was unbelievable -- we were four rows from the stage, and directly in the center! It was an outdoor concert and the weather was perfect. We all dressed up and had such a great time. We could see the saliva dripping onto the microphone, THAT is how close we were! I do remember feeling pretty bad, though, because one of the other girls kept complaining that some of the people around us were singing along. I know that I was doing it too, but I couldn't help it -- I know we all came to hear TORI sing, and I wasn't trying to sing over her or anything. It's just that I can't hear a song that I love without singing along, it just isn't possible for me. I did it at the Sarah McLachlan concert, too. I feel terrible if if bothers anyone, and I try to be quiet, but that's the best I can do.
Today I finished day 7 of the 30 Day Shred. I have lost 3 pounds so far, which really pisses me off because this is a SUPER HARD workout. It's only 20 minutes long, but I sweat buckets and I basically collapse when I'm finished. Last summer I weighed 120 lbs, and I weigh 133 right now. This is NOT COOL. I think it's because I'm getting closer to 30 or something. Whatever it is, I'm not digging it. I am moving up to level 2 in the workout on Monday, so the pounds better start dropping!
You may notice I'm not so obsessed with this whole "I'm a lesbian" thing. Well, someone made a really good point on one of the websites I was on. She said not to let it take over your life and I realized that's totally what I was doing. I have a tendency to let things consume me, and I decided to try something different this time. Balance. Maintain perspective. I'll still talk about coming out and what I'm going to do, but I have time. For example, one possible option -- to transition into a polyamorous relationship. Is it for me?
That option has its appeal because I don't have to change my life too much, but if I'm completely honest with myself, I would choose it only for convenience. It's not really what I WANT, but if I decided what I REALLY want is too hard, and I'm not strong or brave enough to end this relationship, I could always string him along and pretend I still want this relationship while pursing the relationship I REALLY want. Now, does THAT sound fair? No.