"Liars, losers, coming at me
What I need is sanctuary
Minding my own business
Getting in my face
Violating my personal space..."
I'm a...FREAK MAGNET! I've got...JERK APPEAL...ahhhhhhhh I LOOOOOOVE L7!!! Hahahaha, I was quite the fiesty little bitch when I was a teenager. They remind me a lot of Joan Jett, who I am also enamored with. Yeah, I even like Courtney Love. What about it? I was thrilled when Kittie came onto the scene! I was a little more hardcore, but life took the wind out of my sails. I had sassy feminist quotes scrawled all over my notebooks, I wore neon green mascara (yeah, they actually used to make that stuff), and I had this bad ass haircut -- I guess it's called a "concave bob" but basically it was shaved in the back, long in the front, and I had bright red streaks in the front. Then teal. Then magenta. I miss that time of my life, because I was outspoken, expressive, free to be whoever the hell I wanted to be. I didn't give a damn what anyone thought about it.
I found the funniest thing yesterday. I was looking at my old yahoo account, and there is a link on it to some very old (and very bad) poetry. I wrote it when I was 23, I think. It was just before I left my first husband. Anyway, it was on this poetry site, and my user name there was RiotGrrl. I laughed to myself and wondered if anyone even knew what that meant anymore. Then I laughed even harder, because for such a "RiotGrrl", I had ended up spending 3 years with a major abusive douche bag. Nice. That's not a very feminist thing to do, is it?
I had spent all these years talking about how I would NEVER let a man dominate me, and I would DEMAND to be treated as an equal, and I would be DAMNED if any man would order me around or lay a hand on me...then I looked like a total hypocrite. I know one person for sure lost all respect for me and stopped being my friend. Let me tell you a little secret, though -- when you are with someone who treats you badly, it absolves you of all guilt for any of your minor transgressions. I knew that anything I might do would pale in comparison to his horrible treatment of me. Looking back, this is probably why I always chose the loser. It made me feel better about the things about myself that I could not control, including my chronic dissatisfaction and misbehavior in relationships.
This brings me to the part about my previous bisexuality which probably gave other bisexuals a bad name. To any bisexuals reading this, accept my apologies. I came across as one of those people who could not be satisfied with just one partner, who needed to have "one of each", and who therefore was not capable of monogamy. The issue was not greed, or a need for two partners or relationships. It came down to plain and simple cowardice. I never wanted or needed both the man and the woman, as evidenced by the fact that I would eventually sleep with a woman without the inclusion of the man. I wanted the relationship with the man for appearances and acceptance by my family. I have never felt completely accepted by my family. I've always been the odd one out and I ache for the slightest acknowledgement. I don't fit in like my brother and sister do as it is, and I fear that an unconventional relationship would only rock the boat more. I don't know if the already strained relations between myself and my parents could handle any additional stress. Then again, I don't know why I care so much about what they think, or why I try so hard to be what I think they want me to be. I took out my facial piercings at age 28 because of how judgemental my fucking family is! That's unbelievable!
This is why I don't think polyamory will work. It wouldn't be fair to my husband or to any woman I would begin dating. She would be the primary love interest, yet she would be in the background. By all appearances, he would be front and center, yet he would really be nothing more to me than a really good friend. I do, however, think it is very important for me to take some time before I do ANYTHING. I want to set a goal of working toward a divorce next year, but telling him now that's what I want. We'll obviously live together in the meantime but we barely sleep together anymore anyway so that part won't be an issue.